Intimacy

Intimacy.

It tends to be reserved for a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, and immediate family.  But in truth it is attainable with everyone you meet.
I find myself lucky in my work, and I am sure I have talked about this before, but I get the most intimate parts of people.  Their worries, their laughter, their tears, their joys, their vulnerability, their strength.  It comes through as they move, and as I assist their bodies.  When I place my hands on their body as they hold a stretch and I gently put pressure on their muscles to offer the support that is sometimes needed for a release I find intimacy on the way their body gives way to mine, to way my fingers and my hand molds to them.

Every morning when I wake up I consider intimacy and what that will look like in my day and who I cross paths with.  I hope to get to know people deeply, and carefully insert myself into their lives as a source of support, laughter, and joy.  Because it takes a village... not just to raise a child, but to raise ourselves to be better humans.

Most of us are anxious for love, we dream about our marriages at a young age, reserving ourselves for that special someone... yet there are millions of special someones out there and these connections can be made briefly and on the short term.  They come through listening, they come through touch, and gaps in our hearts are bridged when we take these chances to open up.

I was pondering intimacy yesterday as I bent, played, pushed, and pulled on another woman's body in a partner yoga class.  A woman that I have known for years, but could not tell you her favorite food or color, or about marriages or friendships.  But I could tell you about how her body reacts in moments of challenge and strength, how it surrenders in moments of release, and how her breath moves through her.  I could tell you I would miss her presence greatly even though we cross paths only every once and a while. I would tell you that I know her.

The class was filled with couples loving the moments they got to touch and be in the glory of the person they love so deeply, learning one anothers movements and communicating needs for proper use of the others weight.  I love the body for this reason, it is so tangible and so specific of how someone is doing.  You can tell the stress, apprehension, joy and love that person is feeling at the moment by the way the muscles release and give way to resistance and pressure, or stay stiff and tight as they resist letting you in.  You learn to adapt accordingly, whether consciously or sub consciously.  You learn how to be there for someone with out words.  And the more that both parties relax and give way to the other the more profound the efficiency and the function is.

This is my belief, to surrender, yet be certain that our strength, accompanied with the strength of others will win out and support us fully. 

Since losing my mom I have decided I just do not give a fuck about what I lose, meaning that I am more likey to jump heart first into situations, because nothing will amount to the loss of her, and any loss that has happened since has only made more sense and fueled my desire to be better and connect deeper to people.  When I die, I doubt I will care much about the world and its possessions, but I can be certain I will remember those who shared a touch, a heart, a moment or many moments of true intimacy.  And as long as my days consist of that I will be full of joy.  

Depth vs Function

In yoga class yesterday I was watching people grimace and clench and hold their breath as they strived to go deeper into a pose that maybe didn't need so much depth.  Their posture was being sacrificed.

I know I have talked about this many times so I will keep this short.

What is the purpose of your depth in postures?  What are you compromising to go deeper?  Some days we want the emotional release, some days we want to show off, some days we want to achieve and all of those are very human things that we all face, but the purpose of yoga is to let go of those things and allow it to be what it is, where it is, why it is.

If you lose track of your breath in the posture you have gone to far.  The breath should be an honoring to your body, it should be steady, reliable, soothing, and supportive.

You deserve a practice that restores your body, and I do not mean that you have to do slow yin or restorative yoga to achieve that, just that you need to listen to your body and its limits so that it can achieve optimum results.  And that happens not when we are trying but when we are letting go.  The breath is your whisper of boundaries.  Listen to it and enjoy your practice.  You do not need to be better than you already are. 

Jet plane ramblings

There are moments I just want to stomp my feet, twirl, and blast noisy music that makes me move fast.  Because I often feel overwhelmed by how fast the world moves and how much I love it. Don't get me wrong please, I'm not the hippy type of yoga instructor that believes in "the path to happiness" I just believe in being happy, making the choice. 

But likely if you are reading this you already know my philosophy on life. 

I've been traveling for the past 36 hours, and I'm just a few short hours from reuniting with family and Colorado peeps. I'm sitting on an airplane with 200+ other people and am amazed by our ability to travel in such masses at such speeds. 

Amazed and thankful. 

But it is 36 hours into sitting and I'm listening to music that makes me just want to jump up and fuckin dance. It makes me imagine spinning in the sun laughing with my girlfriends at our ability to be ridiculous and somewhere in there is glitter and tutus... Cause why not?

I'm walking into unknown territory and that always ignites some passion and compassion in me, everything becomes more intense, from excitement to sadness. Emotions are real. Very real. And I'm feeling them. Not just for myself but for so many others that I know and love. Even ones I don't know I suppose.

This is a pivot point for me and I don't know where it'll go, and I'm high on that. It could go anywhere, and I know it's dependent on my actions... It's always dependent on our actions and our attitude. 

Pivot point.... I shouldn't glamorize it, we are always at pivotal points. Mine are no different than yours. But in my head at this moment I feel like mine is big, that's my shit. It's been a year since I lost my mom and it hurts no less but I am able celebrate her more, which is good. This year marker... Well, it's been a hard fucking year. As hard as it's been I have accomplished so many goals and I anticipate what the second year with out her will bring. I feel like she's just kickin' it out there in the universe putting everything in place for me, like how you would organize anything in life, except I'm not the one doing it, she is, which has made my life a lot easier. 

I had a recent moment in regards to her passing. I was doing some stretching late one night when I was struggling to sleep and I had a new perspective on her, one I am slightly ashamed to admit because as her daughter it's something I knew but maybe never gave full credit too. 

She was brave. And I felt really proud of her all of the sudden. 

You know, or perhaps you don't, she had inflammatory breast cancer, which is by far the wickedest thing I've ever witnessed. And through all the symptoms of this form of cancer she didn't take pain meds until the last 2 weeks of her life. She just took it, she just clenched her jaw and got through it, proving her strength and stance in the world. She didn't so much buy into western medicine and really wanted to avoid it. So she did, and may have made it worse or it may have prolonged her life but none of that matters now. Like all of us, my mom was brave and I'm so proud to be her daughter, because I know she taught me to be brave and stand true. She was an incredible woman and her being a martyr to her beliefs only makes me more proud. 

So that's it really, I don't have an intention with writing this, it's just a bunch of rambling. However... I want to say to anyone who reads this: be happy, be brave, and most importantly be true to who YOU are rather than who the world thinks you should be. That's what'll lead you to happiness, when you stop the conflict of what the world tells you to be and start being who you are; and that takes bravery because there isn't always acceptance in that. 

Love!!!

Better than cat-cow

Cakravakasana. I think this posture / movement saved my practice. 

At one point I chose to do full camel, which considering my lordosis (excess curvature in my low back), was not the smartest choice for me personally. The performance of this pose unraveled my body and pretty much made my yoga practice non existent, I had lost majority if the stabilization in my lumbar spine. 

I was lucky enough to be starting my second 200hr yoga course and was introduced to this pose. It was one of 2 poses that I could practice and I did it 28 days a month for about 6 months. It not only corrected the imbalance in my lumbar spine, but it also taught me how to stabilize. 

A movement similar to this one in most yoga classes would be cat/cow, however this takes it to a new level. Most of us tend towards rounded shoulders because of the amount of time spent sitting or at computers and Cakravakasana on the inhale helps to stretch the front of the chest open bringing a very gentle backbend quality, whereas the exhale helps lengthen the low back and strengthen the core. Not only does it help balance the curvatures of the upper and lower back but it also builds the relationship between breath and movement, relaxing the nervous system and giving you more benefits than just the standard cat/cow pose. I promise if you start putting Cakravakasana in place place of cat/cow you'll feel a difference. 

Cat cow seems to be used often these days as a filler in classes, it has it's purpose but if you're struggling with low back discomfort than I encourage you to try this pose instead. However, if you're feeling tension between the shoulder blades than maybe cat cow is more appropriate. It's all in knowing your body and how to accomplish what it needs. 

Below are written instructions for Cakravakasana  

• Start on hands and knees, keep your elbows unlocked and spine neutral. 

• Inhale pull the chest forward between the arms stretching the ribcage and filling the lungs 

• Exhale engage the abdominal a shifting the hips back towards the heels, bend the elbows forearms to the floor, chest towards the thigh, forehead towards the ground. 

• Keep the movements slow and focus in the upper back with the inhale and low back with the exhale. 

Please enjoy this pose and you can find a timelapse video of it on my Facebook page www.facebook.com/rechakayoga

Love!!!!

Why Foundations?

I have just spent a weekend teaching about foundations, the breath and your posture, and exploring what they are and how to do them correctly. It's funny that the two things we are so naturally born with are the hardest things for us to come back to. Instead we've become distracted by the things outside of us, quickly forgetting the process of life, desperately controlling our food and exercise habits, and denying that life will end when the time is right.  We focus on how much we exercise rather than how much we move, on what we should eat rather than what our body is asking for, and so many other external influences.

So I want to go against the grain of what's being pounded into your heads, if for no other reason than to play devils advocate and get to you to consider a different idea... Right or wrong... It's about what FEELS right for you rather than someone else telling you what is right.

If there's all this information out there about the power of thoughts and how we think creates the experience, than perhaps that attributes to what you stick in your mouth as well. Maybe instead of hating your food you just loved it and ate it slowly, thankful that you get it. From your farmers garden to mcdonald's you just learned to give it appreciation. (That said I don't eat mcdonalds, not only because I think it's gross but because I do not wnt to give money where I do not believe ethics exist). I'm just saying stop blaming your food for what your body looks like, it's not it's fault. Maybe it's how much you consume, or how often you consume it, or maybe it's about what you think about it emotionally as your body is trying to digest it. Maybe it's about not being in tune with your body.

Have you considered that thoughts don't just change what you're attracted too, but EVERYTHING in your life, from food to relationships.

Switching gears like that isn't that easy, so here's something to focus on physically.

        Breath.
        Posture.

Because both of these things relate very closely to the condition of your nervous system. Your breath is a pump for your body where as your posture determines your mobility and flexibility. So if you put a big rock on a belt in the engine of your car, (try not to be too impressed by my car lingo), do you reckon it would still run efficiently when you are driving?
No? Well how do your internal organs feel when you slouch or even puff up your chest too much? Of course it effects their function because their mobility and motility is compromised.

When you compromise your posture it equally effects the muscles in your stomach, back, shoulders, neck, and hips making them tighter which, from the way I approach the body and what I've learned... If the muscles are tight because of improper use the nervous system becomes strained, after all they're in very close relation to each other.

This is  just another form of stress, and we all know what stress does to the body. Stress eating for example. Weight gain as another. Poor sleeping habits. And the list goes on. All which lead to more stress. And this stress will cause you to feel bad, shorten your breath, and make you think you need to work harder to be better. But perhaps you do not have to work harder, or perhaps you do, but you won't really know until you've relieved the symptoms of stress and re-visited your foundations and what they need to be.

         Posture and breath.

They're the two basics. They're within your control.  They give you more knowledge about yourself than your fitness routine and your food, which are  just repercussions of  previous bad habits.

Now I'm rambling, I apologize. I just want everyone to know that it's a lot simpler than we are making it out to be, and spreading the word that poor trainers, physios, yoga teachers, and doctors will not bother to discuss these basics with you because that wouldn't line their pockets anymore now would it?

Be well. Be gentle. and of course Love!

The Spray of the Waves.

This video caused the following feelings to well up, like the waves, and generally I am not very poetic but It is as though when my mom passed she exploded and scattered herself through out all the world I know, revealing herself in the people I meet, the animals I see, and the nature I come in contact with.  So, this is about gratitude and appreciation for the connections of this world and the anniversaries I am celebrating in the coming days and weeks.

Women:
The importance of women in life alluded me in my earlier years, and I enjoyed the conversations had with guys much more. As the years matured I found the vulnerability that women have with one another in true friendship is irreplaceable. The moment I realized I was losing my mom I suddenly missed the women in my life dearly as I would soon be lacking the most important woman in my life. I regretted the times I'd changed in moments with ladies for moments with a dude because it felt like it was only them that could fully comprehend my loss. 

I have found this truth again and again in the last year. Year. 1 year. 1 year with out my mom. 1 year falling into step with women and people all over the world. It appears that the deficiency of my moms presence has led to an excess in the presence of incredible women in my life. Like I said at the beginning, it is like a wave smashing into the rocks scattering itself endlessly.  It has been so hard to do this year with out her, to go through the successes and the tears, to notice the subtleties, and gather strength.  Appreciate your mom, 

Men, mostly my dude:
I don't mean to leave the guys out of this one. I have met some amazing men along this journey; the kind that restore your faith in the opposite sex. However, there is one that leads the pack, one that is not family by blood, rather by proving he supports me. 4 years. 4 years with one dude. 4 years of laughing, adventure, and molding life to look exactly as it should. And in this past year our relationship has softened into something deeper, a sort of connection that affirms I'm with a bad ass that I wouldn't change in for the world. Like most of my connections these days I can't imagine it would be this deep had this year been any other way. 

There is unlimited depth in loss, realization and mysteries that uncover themselves in the strangest areas. It reveals to you the importance of connection and reminds you day in and out to respect those around you. Because we are human, we will sometimes fail. So like a plaque in my moms room once said 

Life is about

How well you live

How well you love

And how well you learn to let go. 

Thailand:
2 years.  2 years in Thailand.  2 years of my life looking exactly as I would have drawn it out to be.  The amount I have learned here is unbelievable (stay tuned for the 20 things I learned in SE Asia write up). Mostly it has provided me a away to expand beyond what I thought I would and spread myself through out the world as I've always wanted too. I have met incredible people, created my work life the way I want it, adventured with my dude as well as on my own, and lived by the sea!   

I am thankful for Phuket, for the people I have met, for the people that I know, for my dude my dad and my brother, for my incredible mama, and for all of the things that have helped me move through this year with out her. Each of you has influenced in a different way, making it tolerable and inspiring and I want you to know that. 

This next month I want to celebrate... Celebrate life, love, friendships, connection, travel, community, work, yoga, transition, beauty, knowledge, and YOU. Thank you all for the part you've played and I hope I've given you something in return to what you've given me.

Wishing you the best! Love!!!

The Importance of the Breath

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE BREATH

The what, where, why and how of breathing.

WHAT: Definition according to dictionary.com

The air inhaled and exhaled.  Respiration, especially as necessary to life.  Life, or vitality. 

The 4 parts are the inhale, retention (hold after inhale), exhale, and suspension (hold after the exhale). 

WHERE and HOW: Where in our body do we breathe, and how should it be done.

Our lungs, diaphragm, and rib cage are all, or should all, be used when breathing.  A proper inhale and exhale will expand and contract through the torso. 

Inhaling into our lungs causes the intercostals muscles (between the ribs), to engage and expand the ribcage. It then proceeds to expand the waistline as the diaphragm, pushes down into the belly creating even more room for the lungs to fill.  When the belly expands the abdominal muscles should fully relax. 

Exhaling we gently engage the abdominal muscles by first engaging the pelvic floor muscle causing the other core muscles to engage and slowly controlling the emptying of the belly.  Once the diaphragm moves back up into the rib cage the lungs will empty with ease.  But still try to keep the pace slow. 

There is more to come on the how later on. 

WHY: Why would we want to breath correctly?

I don’t know, perhaps it is the beginning of our life when we take our first breath and the end of breath is a sure sign that life is ending. 

If our breath is too shallow and we are performing what we know as diaphragmatic breathing or belly breathing, and not using our lungs to their full capacity then the functions of our lungs, heart, thoracic duct, and diaphragm are all being compromised as well.  Their function all begins to slow down or tighten up (just think about when your muscles are not used properly). 

The expansion of the lungs is not just for their own benefit.  When they expand out they also press in on the heart and the thoracic duct and this pressure is meant to help the thoracic duct pump the 4 liters of Lymph that it is meant to on a daily basis.  It is also like a gentle massage for the heart, helping to slow down the heart rate and assisting in its overall health.  Think of it like a hug for your heart. And hugs make everyone and everything better. 

When the diaphragm engages it pushes down into the belly and gently pushes on the organs also creating a slight bit of (healthy) tension on the Phenic (fight or flight) and Vagus (rest and digest) nerves, thus affecting the nervous system in a calming way.

The breath, when targeted this way, can help to balance the curvatures of the spine.  Inhale: the upper back and neck lengthens and flattens and Exhale: the lower back lengthens and flattens out.  The central nervous system is located in the spine and the brain. 

Therefore a correct and specific breath has the potential to work the respiratory, cardiovascular, immune, and nervous systems.  I am sure there is way more to this, however I am only 5 years in to getting to know the breath intimately.  However I did just read a bit that said that the muscles are dependent on the state of the nervous system.  Something I will be researching more and more in the coming months so stay tuned in.  Basically short contracted muscles are muscles that are stressed, where as long and lean muscles are more relaxed.  This would vary according to each individual person and what short and long mean to their physiology. 

Your digestive systems health is also based on the amount of stress you are holding.  A very high percentage of good bacteria and serotonin are produced in your digestive system.  Breathe to relax the belly.  Stop holding that shit in all the time (pun intended). 

It should also be known that the inhale is stimulating and energizing, where as the exhale is relaxing and calming.  When you are stressed lengthen your exhale and when you want a bit more energy than lengthen both your inhale and exhale. But working with the ratio also requires more information so you can check out some good stuff in Gary Kraftsows Viniyoga book “Yoga For Wellness”.  It is best to work with a professional on these things though, so find one that is knowledgeable, someone who will give you real answers packed full of information about it rather than just the everyday run of the mill yoga teacher.   

HOW: Now into more detail about how to build the muscle memory of the proper breathing technique above.

For a short 8 minute walk through on how to breath you can visit my youtube audio at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI3Fv601XS0

It will walk you through the breathing I have written about above and can be used daily to instruct you or as a one-time listen to get an idea of what I am trying to type above. For more of a physical feeling of this breathing use hand placement.  

Place the hands on the upper chest (above the nipples and below the collar bone) and take 10 breaths as if you were breathing into the hands

Then move the hands to the bottom 6 ribs and repeat the 10 breaths feeling the whole rib cage expand.

Finally take the hands to the belly and repeat the above breathing from the chest down for another 10 breaths.  

Over time this will help to build the muscle memory and you will no longer need the hands.  

Disclaimer and advice:

With all of this said I want to say that I am not doctor, I am not giving you full blown answers, just information from my perspective on what I have learned, seen, and worked with in my time as a yoga teacher.  Listen to teachers, read a lot, and most importantly notice how it really feels to do what you learn.  Most of your answers will lay in how it makes you feel and if it makes sense to you. 

When seeking out a good yoga teacher, ask questions, make sure that the answers are specific and thought out rather than vague and general.  This is our body that we are dealing with and it is important.  These physical practices should be emphasized on the physical. 

Keep your local yoga teacher honest and make sure they can explain themselves and their instruction by asking a lot of questions.  You are responsible for you, and the more information you have the better you will be. 

If you have any questions please email me at bodybreakthroughs@gmail.com and check out my services for more information on what I do.  

The Trend of Working Out for Stress Reduction

We hear it a lot that exercise is good for stress.  Which undoubtedly it feels good once you have sweated, worked hard, and pushed yourself past these limits that you thought you had.  I will not argue with that and this article is not designed to say that exercise is not good.  I just want to bring a new perspective to the table.  

Let's start with the word stress.  It has far more definitions that I thought it would, so I will list the ones that pertain to emotional and physical stress rather than from language and sound.

1. the physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain.

2. to subject to stress or strain.

3. to experience stress or worry

These are things we experience on a daily basis whether it is instigated by family, friends, negative self talk, work, diet, driving, etc.  It comes in so many forms and many of us have been taught that we need to be working hard to be productive.  So that is what we do, we work long hours, we come home tired from those long hours and time spent in traffic and think about what we should eat and then choose something that is easy; and then over think our choice, feel guilty, and often watch tv to try to drown out all the noise; and then crawl into bed with out any real intention to rest because our mind has not had the space to process our days, and depending on how long we have been doing this routine, our lives.  

This is why yoga and meditation are important. 

Even though there are different types of stress, it is all still stress.  It is all something that shortens the breath and kicks the sympathetic nervous system into action, which is the flight or fight response.  And if it is true what they think, that the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) counteracts the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), then we are mostly operating on fight or flight.  Which is true to some extent.  Our fight or flight has to be running all of the time to keep us alive, however over using it will lead to a deficiency in many other areas of the body.  

This is why yoga and meditation are important. 

I am repeating myself, I know, but I really want to drive this point home.  There has to be a balance.  We have to rest, I mean really rest. We have to breathe slow and deep, walk slower, act instead of react, savor our foods (chew and taste it), enjoy and be at peace within ourselves and know our boundaries for an improved quality of life.  So to work hard and sit in traffic and stew about it all then go do a work out that is more stress to your already stressful day may be counter productive.  So maybe 3 days a week you give your workouts a break and instead you go to yoga class, or you go home and you put on music that is calm and light, or you use silence, and you lay flat on your back legs a little wider than you are naturally inclined to place them, then you take your arms about 8 inches away from your body so that your rib cage can have space to move, and make sure that your palms face up to the ceiling so that your chest can open and relax, close your eyes and start to focus on the weight of your body against the floor.  Keeps your lips together, breathe through your nose and keep feeling the heaviness of your body, the body that you are in every minute of every day of every year until the day you leave this world behind.  And when your mind starts to wander, bring it back to how heavy you feel.  It is basic and simple. But it works wonders.  At the end of this post you will find a short audio to walk you through ths relaxation.  

More than relaxation, restoration is important.  It is supposed to be what we get when we sleep, but unfortunately our sleeping patterns can be interrupted when we are too stressed in our daily lives.  Placing ourselves before our jobs is important.  Having a regular exercise routine with a good understanding of what and why you are doing it, as well as a regular yoga, meditation, or simple relaxation routine is important to the quality of our lives.  For the record, yoga is more than just the religion it is based on and you can call it stretching if you feel more comfortable with that, but stretching helps to release the muscular tension that we hold from our posture, it helps to break up the acidity from over activity or not enough activity, and acidity creates disease... and more stress. 

Bottom line, move your body regularly, and put your body first because no one else, besides a trainer, will do that for you.  If you are waiting for your boss to say.. "Hey, why don't you take off early and go hit an exercise class" then you may be waiting forever, because the majority doesn't care about that, they care about the business.  No one can argue that the healthier and better you feel the more productive you will be in everything that you do, but you have to make that declaration first.

Love!  

My head is a fucking construction zone.  Not the 1^st world American type either, more like 3^rd world type, you know?  Rusty nails everywhere, no safety helmets or guard rails around giant pits of wet concrete and rock, rebar sticking out of the roof and people lazily asleep on the “beams”.  It’s a nightmare.  But the only thing is, I am the only one working on this building, I am alone.  And this state, well, it makes me not care so much about the “problems” of the world.  You know the ones that we dwell and simmer on for months and days and hours, wasting our time trying to protect our hearts and selves from pain. 

My mom died 7.5 months ago.  She was healthy, strong, ate “well” (organic, not a lot of meat, no gluten, etc), and then she was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer.  And then 7 weeks later she was no longer here on this planet with us.  I had four weeks while I was in Thailand of listening to her say she was doing okay; and then I had 3 weeks of seeing her and subconsciously knowing she was not going to live, but racing around this disaster of a reality trying to keep her alive.  3 weeks to figure out what the fuck was happening.  And it still does not make sense what has occurred.   I am still tripping over the minutes from September 2013, still falling face first into conversations her and I had, things she said, and the rippling events that followed her death. 

To those of you who have both of your parents you do not know what I am talking about, your mind cannot fathom it and even to those of us who have lost a mom or a dad we feel it so individually that we know we cannot “know” how the other is truly feeling.  It is an initiation into the secrets of the world when you lose someone you love so much.  You belong to a secret society where a large part of your heart has just been destroyed… and what comes from that destruction is beauty and that is where the mind fuck begins.  Because all of the sudden you see this passing as a  blessing, but it shouldn’t feel like that because it cost someone else their life, not just ”someone”, a person you loved beyond imagining.  It took their loss for you to gain knowledge and awareness about the world.  That is where the construction zone enters the picture.  How do we cope, how do we clean up the shattered and scattered pieces of our psyche now that someone who rooted us to the earth is gone?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Meditation?  Boundaries? Emotion?  Unless you are in it you cannot possibly know about it, and you can never been in another’s mind about such a loss.

It is not that we do not want help or support rebuilding our lives; we do, but it is a very lonely process to define your own personal boundaries, no one else can tell you what you want or need.  There is so much desperation in this loss, so much desire to have someone we can connect with the way we connected to the one we lost.  And it moves back and forth from teenage angst to terrible two tantrums to ecstatic belief in the human kind, over and over again.

So back to my head being a construction zone.  It began with the wrecking ball (cancer) realization that there is nothing secure in this world; from the diluted belief that humans are somewhat invincible, and  sugar plum fairy thoughts that if we eat right and exercise we evade disease.  It is a lie.  Because there is this sneaky little population controller waiting just around any corner it wants to.  When we watch disease destroy a body so ruthlessly we are humbled, we have to then change our lives.  But how do we integrate what we see into the life we want to live?  I don’t have any answer beside, we just do it.  But it takes time and it is a slow going process that we have to be patient with. 

It’s the patience with the rebuilding that I am struggling with.  As a yoga teacher I work with people’s bodies every day, and I love it.  However, every time I watch someone breath I remember the way my moms’ lungs slowly stopped working and what that looked like.  Or I see you use your left hand to spread the fingers in your downdog and I remember how her left hand stopped working a few days before she died, she couldn’t hold anything, it would just fall from the air to her chest and she would patiently and sometimes not so patiently try again.  I watch people walk as they practice a balanced posture and I am reminded that her left leg stopped working after the biopsy, or the way her ankles swelled, or how she quickly lost a lot of weight and thought it was because of the exercises she was doing, (this was before the cancer got to bad).  I stare at bodies in wonderment at how they operate and how they shut down, because now I have a better idea as to what the end process looks like.  I am reminded in everything that I do about my mom.  It drives me mad especially on days when I just want to forget that it happened and laugh like a normal person. 

The flip side to this sadness is the beautiful joy I feel knowing my mom is exactly where she wanted to be for so long.  Not in a morbid way of course, but my mom belonged to the world of the spirits and unfortunately being among people was difficult for her.  So she is where she wants to be and she is thrilled.  I feel her laugh and “yippeeeeeee” and “yahoo” and sing “happy happy joy joy” in my ear often.  When that happens I become so elated for her, I become so happy because now she can do everything she ever wanted with-out the limitations of being a human.  I know when she is helping me move forward and when she is telling me to chill the hell out, or when she is sitting back patiently waiting for me to get over myself.  It is bizarre to get to know her in this way, to know what a blessing it is that she left this world, to have the realizations that death brings. 

I have worked hard in my life to overcome being anxious and sleepless, and as soon as my mom was diagnosed, all of that uncertainty came back.  Because that is the way the world works, you progress to regress so that you can progress again.  It cannot be that we do not re-visit our old habits, we need to know where we stand with them and if our tools really work.  This process is necessary.

So here I am in the middle of a construction zone that I ignorantly thought I had overcome.  I am replacing brick by brick and trying to build it so that the next time something that feels like a disaster strikes, my walls do not come all the way down, so that my foundation is sturdier still.    I do not have time for the petty things, I do not have time to take the world so seriously because I am too busy trying to play.  Because the world will forever take us out, there is no way around the truth that the earth will outlive us, disease is our reminder that we are not in control of anything but our reactions.  We better start living by the beat of our own drum, enjoying the people and things around us, knowing we built the lives we wanted.

I think I just punched the accelerator button...

It is not really enough for me that 6 months ago my world begin to shift drastically and that the ground beneath my feet would soon be ripped open in a horrednous whirlwind of chaos.  Instead of letting that chaos settle in, it appears that I just want to take everything out from my life that is comfortable... besides the people I love of course.  But it has even happened that some of those relationships have become unsettled.

After returning back to Thailand, feeling and acting like a slightly crazy hormonal teenager, the security and love for my job seemed like the perfect fix for the turmoil my soul was in (see precious posts for explanation).  That is, until along came "the straw that broke the camels back".

No different than any other night I was messing around on my yoga mat pretending to meditate and shit when my guided meditation was interrupted by my whatsapp messages from my boss.... at 10pm about something that in my world is insignificant... the cancellation of a meeting time the next day.  And BOOM!!!!  That was it, suddenly I spun into a whirlwind of destruction...  my boyfriend calls me "hurricane adriane"...  I imagine that he is not far off.  When I decide to destroy and destruct and move on I do it.  And I wanted to destroy my so-called secure job.  Because it is not secure when you cannot trust that your boundaries are respected.

So it sounds a little dramatic but I am not really exaggerating when I say I started to spin.  My hands and arms and legs started to shake, I was so upset that my sacred time, my healing time was disrupted..  but mostly that my boundaries were not respected.  Boundary being that at 10pm you don't get shitty with me because of a meeting.  But this is way off the topic, even though it is the beginning of the acceleration... and now I am rambling.

Back to it...

As my moms life came to an end I remember watching her breathing, and watching the way her chest moved and feeling like there was something greater out there.  I still feel it in my own chest.  It is like an anticipation for what is coming.  And when I got that whatsapp message and I freaked out it was because I again knew there was something more to life than "security"..  because that is bullshit, there is no security in anything... unless it is in the fact that YOU know YOU can handle whatever comes your way.

So, here I am feeling groundless and rambling and likely making no sense, when what I am trying to tell you is that I just quit my job...  and I do not really have anything lined up.  I just know that there is something more to my world than set hours, contracts, whatsapp messages, and salary pay...  for no other reason than because I want there to be.  And like RalphWaldoEmerson says....

Make your decisions, because things will start to speed up once they are made, things will fall into place. And as cheesy and cliche as it might sound, trust the fucking world, it is not out to get you.  Leap on what you are hesitating on, because the only security in this world lies within yourself not the things that create your outside world.

Love!!!!!!

Take your contract and shove it

You read it right and I will say it again.

Take your contract and shove where I can never see it again.  That piece of paper with words typed on it that you think means the world and binds someone to your life for however long you claim worthy..  The one that says I must wear what you want me to wear, work the hours that you want me to work, be available on my personal phone time, take limited vacations, document the intimate details of the sessions that I share with clients... yep that one.  That declares that you are above me and I am below you.  Stick it.

Because life is fluid.  I am not contractable, or controllable for that matter.  Ask my family, they will tell.  And my boyfriend... he will tell you too.

It is not that I am reckless rebel with out a cause and I just want to fight back (at least not all the time) .  I am responsible, ask my clients and ask my friends.  I am respectful and confident and aware of my abilities. Aware enough to know when to stick with it and when to cut it free.

Life is fluid, humans are fluid... and the demands to stay one way for a whole year (for example, if I were referencing something specific here) is un-reasonable.  It sets you up for disappointment.  It is signing your name on a dotted line saying I know you will disappoint me, but at least this way I can blame it on you.

How bizarre that we stressed, dis-eased, overweight, sick, tired, and half freakin dead....  I wonder if it has any correlation with the fact that we have to sign our lives away to the people that we work for demanding that we do exactly as they wish for a specific period time, even though they hired us because of our specific skill set.  But now we get to be creative as long as it is within their bounds.  It is bull shit.
Humans are not numbers, we are not an equation that can be controlled.  We are creatures of connection, community, love (yep, it sounds hippy but show me a person who wants nothing to do with any sort of love), growth, conversation and challenge each other in the process.

Let's not treat one another as numbers and dollars.  Because when we are broken sad, and dis-heartened, craving a change, every person that we run across that treats us as though we are a robot simply adds to our dis-ease and sadness.  We are here to lift each other up, to support each others expansion rather than limit it with contracts.

So take your contract and rip it up, because it is a false sense of security for all parties.  They are breakable.  And we are changeable.  Our challenges should be to expand and learn new ways to be creative, rather than to contain ourselves within the bounds of others.

Love!

Get out of your head and into your body!

www.rechakayoga.com