The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of, laugh, shock, devastation, heartbreak, and an un-definable amount of space.
On July 30th my mom was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (never even heard of this shit before her diagnosis). Unfortunately this is the most rapid and aggressive form of cancer there is. It is rarely diagnosed in early stages, and often by the time it is diagnosed it is terminal. It can go from nothing to everything in a matter of weeks, and by weeks I mean 2 weeks.
Like most, we are a family of warriors/warrioresses. We chose to take it head on with a more natural approach, it is what she wanted and quite honestly it was nearly too late for the chemo option when she was diagnosed. We stood by her, we fought with her (fought the cancer that is), we told her how much we loved her, and she told us how much she loved us, we shared things that generally only get shared when there is trauma or tragedy.
A couple weeks after I arrived there was a change, not one for the better, and not one I am really ready to talk about at this point. But this change was the beginning of her leaving the planet; on Setpember 16th at 4am she did just that. She left behind a wake of magic and love, a large group of people that are touched, loved, and lovers because of her. She is the most amazing woman I will ever come in contact with, mainly because she was my mom. I will miss her more than I can express because the expression of it will likely shatter my whole existence.
I resonate and remain in a state of unrest, doing my best not to let it all in at once for fear of what that acknowledgement could lead too. I am learning to accept this way of living. I do not think time heals all wounds, I think that we just learn how to deal with it and we become accustomed to such a sadness. We accept that there will be this hole, this pain, this...... Life will never be the same.
Through the loss of my mom I have awakend to all of her amazing skills. The skills that helped me be who I am, the ones that will excel me and my family forward into the world to carry out what she is no longer able to on this plane of existence. In her passing onto a world that she loves more than this one, a world so closely connected to spirit, one in which her faith was stronger than anyone I had ever come in contact with; she has deepened many relationships in my life. She has directed attentions to things and people that have been calling my name for a long time.
I wonder if she knew what would happen....
To tie this into yoga, I feel completely legless, like I have no ground. I feel like I am disconnected from the whole of the universe, now that part of my connection to this world has left. I have been told that this will last a while. So, I try to practice yoga, and when I do it helps. But at the same time it is the most difficult thing to do because it connects me to how I am really feeling about this whole thing. It connects me to having a body, that my mom no longer has, movements my mom couldn't do in her final weeks, a health that she lost, and mostly to the fact that I have helped a lot of people, and I could not help her. It connects me to the honesty of my current life.
A yoga practice is generally not all unicorns and rainbows with a heaping side of fairies and stars to dance in.
Instead yoga is a root into who we are and how we live. It is our connection to our life; because it is our connection to how we move and breath in a controlled and present manner.
Like all tragedy, it is a wake up call for those of us who survive the pain and sadness. It is a call to learn, expose, educate, and live better. In this space that is what I will do. And I will call all of you that know me or have experienced me to acknowledge that this magical woman that just passed had created me into what I am, and what I have given to you is part of her, and what you give to others from this is also part of her and so she spreads across the world like a golden web, to lighten the dark spots, to enhance existence, to believe in magic, to play like children. Her spirit is within all of us.
The same is true with all of you.
The pieces of your spirit that you share with the world get passed from person to person to their people and beyond.
We spread ourselves thinly across the masses, with inspiration in all directions, whether they be heartache or joy. Death is just a slap in the face realization of the impact one has made in the world.
Once again, like I so often remind, be honest with yourself and those around you, love, appreciate, be humble, listen (I mean listen like you will never hear that voice again, and simultaneously like you are hearing it for the first time, be open to the wisdom that resides in everyone), and move slowly so that you can indulge in the experiences of the world.
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Love!
