Balance.

Hey Beautiful People!  

It is towards the end of the year and it has been quite a while since I have written a newsletter or a post.  Though I have sat down many times to do so, it appears that the words I want to form are not there, or are not ready to form themselves.  Yesterday, as I sat in the back of a car on the way home from a beautiful long, yet too short, weekend, it came to me.  

It is almost 2014, and I have no idea where the year 2013 has gone, I am sure many of us feel similar.  I was thinking about how I did not write out about the holidays and wish everyone a merry season, and I did not express my gratitude for everyone I have met over the past year.  I think of you all very often.  The way you have impacted my life, I am so thankful.  

The last year for me has been like a power vinyasa class with techno / rage music blasting through the room.  AKA in my book, a nightmare, though occassionally appropriate.  In this whirlwind of minutes, seconds, months, and weeks I have also been walking in slow motion through all the movements seeing the reprocussions of actions amplified.  It seems to me that we are all searching for balance, to become a better version of ourselves, heal what is wounded, and love life.  For us to feel these things, this desire to change shift and alter, it is first important for us to recognize what is the root cause of these feelings; what is lacking in our lives that causes us to feel like we need to improve.  Deficiency and excess go hand in hand with each other.

The most common example is when we have a relationship that ends it is more often than not that we choose that time to start going to the gym, setting goals, beginning a new project, etc.  Because suddenly there is a deficiency of love, an excess of space and to bring it to balance we need to put something there, whether physically or energetically.  

This balance of energy happens in so many different ways and areas of life.  The physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual all mix together to brings us to a whole.  Examples are as follows, of course they are not always the case, though I do run across them quite often in sessions.

Low back pain, lack in the area of support.

Tight hips, a stubborness of moving forward and not grabbing too much to life.

The loss of a loved one, an excess of sadness.

Atkins diet, lack of fruit grains and vegetables, an excess of acidity.

Raw food diet, a lack of grounding to the world as we know it.  

Addiction, a lack of fulfillment elsewhere.

Crash diet to a binge.

A weak left hip,  pain in the right side of the back.  

Extreme controlling behavior feels a lack of control in their own lives. 

This list could go on for day, months, and years, and all it does is show us, feed us the information as to how we are seeeking to be balanced.  It does not need to be used in an abusive way, rather a way that is explorative and acknowledging to what is going on and where there is a excess or a deficiency.  When an issue arises we ask ourselves "what is the opposing force for that specific issue?".  Physically speaking, we look at the opposite side of the body for the compensation.  The left hip can rarely muster enough strength to overpower for the a weak left knee.  But the right hip has the ability to gather the strength it needs to take over for the left knee.  Equally, if we are not feeling enough love in our relationship, it is us that needs to gather our strength and learn to love ourselves more instead of putting it on the other person.  

Sometimes these things are fixable, and sometimes they just take time and awareness, so that we can approach it with responsibility.  If we feel a sudden desire to change our diet and swing into a serious cleanse, it will not magically reverse all of the years that we ate like shit.  It becomes a process of recognition, appreciation and respect for the process.  If we truly do not respect the process or see that it is one then we will not be able to achieve it long term.  The root problem needs addressing.  

As we approach the beginning of a new year it seems like a good time to make some changes.  After all we have all the information from the past year to teach us what can change and shift.  We are full of knowledge.  So let us reflect what we want to change and what might be causing our desire to change, and then let us talk about it with others on a new level.  Rather than just saying I want to lose weight or I want a new job, put it out there with more detail and honesty about what it is really happening so that you can see the real issue.  "I want to lose weight because I am uncomofortable, and I am uncomfortable because I have not taken the time to appreciate myself, and I put too much energy into other people, and not enough into myself."  Or "I want a new job because I do not feel valued, my boss does little to recognize my skills and I deserve recognition, I recognize myself."  

We are all in this together.  To support, coach, listen, reflect those we come across.  And in times like these, where there is chaos and overwhelm with busy lives, it is when we need this honesty the most.  

Have a Happy New Year! Love!

Adriane

Stand up against standing on your head

Dear Yoga Instructor,

Why should I practice handstand or headstand?

Thank you for this very important information.

Sincerely,
Your trusting student

I will tell you that if the asnwer does not resemble something that includes this, or very similar information, you should not let this teacher guide you through the pose.

Dear Student,

The primary intention of this pose is "tonifying the vital organs, stimulating the endocrine glands, and promoting the balanced and efficient functioning of our entire physiology, known as active reversal."
(This is information that Gary Kraftsow wrote in his book Yoga for Wellness, very trustworthy and practical information).

However student if you have any of the following you will want very clear and concise guidance if you still choose to attempt such a pose.  
Contraindications:
Severe structural assymmetries or scoliosis
Weakness, strain, stiff neck, shoulders, upper back
Chronic forward thrust of the neck
Flattened cervical spine
Long neck, or weak upper back
Small upper torso and large lower torso
Severe lumbar lordosis
Any disc problems
High blood pressure
Glaucoma
Obesity
Head cold or sinus blockage
Menstruation or pregnancy.
(Also from Yoga For Wellness).

Let us try to forget the timless banter of yoga instructors that say "Let's do some headstands to change our perspective on the world."  Not that a little perspective change is not beneficial but who wants their perspective changed by compromising the cervical spine with 100lbs or more worth of pressure on it?  Not me... that shit equals a torn rotator or a slipped disc.... not awesome.  Buth then again on the flip side you can blame yoga and miss out on all the benefits a practical steady practice can give you.

I recently came across an article about a fellow yoga teacher, I do not know who it is because she remained nameless in the article, but I have my guesses.  This yoga teacher is well known for her instagram fame, her handstands and ability to get upside down.  She is of course stunning and inspiring.  She does endless workshops and classes revolving around these poses, and from what the article said her queing is shit and her alignment lacking.  I am using my own words there too for the record.
The writer of this article was amazing in her delivery, expressing her frustration towards the teacher but ending with the reality that we are all on our own path and that our time deserves to be honored.  And I agree.. to an extent.  We are on our own path, we will forever learn, explore, and discover new options and varieties of things.  But as a teacher the lives of many are in your hands and if your queing and understanding of the pose lacks, your delivery will lack as well.  These precious lives will be compromised because you love to ego banter and kick your legs in the air.  And though your words are inspiring.... they will not stop the physical damage that can happen with carelessness.

Your yoga instructor should not be necessarily teaching you how to spread your wings like a butterfly sucking the sweet nectar of the tree but rather how to raise your arms to stabilize the shoulders and prepare for weight bearing poses.  It is our responisbility to do this.  Unfortunately we pretty much have yoga mills producing teachers like rabbits produce bunnies.  All for the mighty dollar.  So, most likely your teacher is not well versed or understanding of the human body...  not all of course, I am generalizing because I have attended an excess of classes in which there was little direction but plenty of "look what I can do".

You do not deserve this.  And the teacher does deserve to be challenged and earn your trust.  This gives you the chance to discover the deep benefits of a deliberate and correct(for you) yoga practice.  If you think yoga is awesome now, and you are just attending classes that aerobically run you through 500 sun salutations until you lie in svasana in tears because you feel so much release please just imagine how amazing it would be to run through those sun salutations with the understanding of your needs and your responsibilty to honor those needs
Okay, that doesn't sound as awesome as those tears of great release many of us feel at the end of a class.  But I can promise you, it is blissful.  It is fulfilling to lie down and know that you did exactly what you needed, not what someone else neede you to do so that they could feel accomplished.  But YOU, YOU listened to YOU and YOU honored YOU and then you can get up and go out into the world and do it again.  And the tears they may stop because eventually you will feel like you honor yourself so much that there is very little tension in your body.  I could go on forever about this, but I won't because eventually you would want to tell me to shut the hell up.

All in all, do what you love and what feels good to you.  Please know that the trick in yoga, and in life, is to live presently with an awareness and understanding of how this presence will effect our future.

Love!

Monday, Thursday, September, November

Where am I?  And even more what day, week, month, and year is it?

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of, laugh, shock, devastation, heartbreak, and an un-definable amount of space.

On July 30th my mom was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (never even heard of this shit before her diagnosis).  Unfortunately this is the most rapid and aggressive form of cancer there is.  It is rarely diagnosed in early stages, and often by the time it is diagnosed it is terminal.  It can go from nothing to everything in a matter of weeks, and by weeks I mean 2 weeks.  

Like most, we are a family of warriors/warrioresses.  We chose to take it head on with a more natural approach, it is what she wanted and quite honestly it was nearly too late for the chemo option when she was diagnosed.  We stood by her, we fought with her (fought the cancer that is), we told her how much we loved her, and she told us how much she loved us, we shared things that generally only get shared when there is trauma or tragedy.

A couple weeks after I arrived there was a change, not one for the better, and not one I am really ready to talk about at this point.  But this change was the beginning of her leaving the planet; on Setpember 16th at 4am she did just that.  She left behind a wake of magic and love, a large group of people that are touched, loved, and lovers because of her.  She is the most amazing woman I will ever come in contact with, mainly because she was my mom.  I will miss her more than I can express because the expression of it will likely shatter my whole existence.

I resonate and remain in a state of unrest, doing my best not to let it all in at once for fear of what that acknowledgement could lead too.  I am learning to accept this way of living.  I do not think time heals all wounds, I think that we just learn how to deal with it and we become accustomed to such a sadness.  We accept that there will be this hole, this pain, this...... Life will never be the same.

Through the loss of my mom I have awakend to all of her amazing skills.  The skills that helped me be who I am, the ones that will excel me and my family forward into the world to carry out what she is no longer able to on this plane of existence.  In her passing onto a world that she loves more than this one, a world so closely connected to spirit, one in which her faith was stronger than anyone I had ever come in contact with; she has deepened many relationships in my life.  She has directed attentions to things and people that have been calling my name for a long time.

I wonder if she knew what would happen....

To tie this into yoga, I feel completely legless, like I have no ground.  I feel like I am disconnected from the whole of the universe, now that part of my connection to this world has left.  I have been told that this will last a while.  So, I try to practice yoga, and when I do it helps.  But at the same time it is the most difficult thing to do because it connects me to how I am really feeling about this whole thing.  It connects me to having a body, that my mom no longer has, movements my mom couldn't do in her final weeks, a health that she lost, and mostly to the fact that I have helped a lot of people, and I could not help her.  It connects me to the honesty of my current life.

A yoga practice is generally not all unicorns and rainbows with a heaping side of fairies and stars to dance in.
Instead yoga is a root into who we are and how we live.  It is our connection to our life; because it is our connection to how we move and breath in a controlled and present manner.

Like all tragedy, it is a wake up call for those of us who survive the pain and sadness.  It is a call to learn, expose, educate, and live better.  In this space that is what I will do.  And I will call all of you that know me or have experienced me to acknowledge that this magical woman that just passed had created me into what I am, and what I have given to you is part of her, and what you give to others from this is also part of her and so she spreads across the world like a golden web, to lighten the dark spots, to enhance existence, to believe in magic, to play like children.  Her spirit is within all of us.

The same is true with all of you.

The pieces of your spirit that you share with the world get passed from person to person to their people and beyond.

We spread ourselves thinly across the masses, with inspiration in all directions, whether they be heartache or joy.  Death is just a slap in the face realization of the impact one has made in the world.

Once again, like I so often remind, be honest with yourself and those around you, love, appreciate, be humble, listen (I mean listen like you will never hear that voice again, and simultaneously like you are hearing it for the first time, be open to the wisdom that resides in everyone), and move slowly so that you can indulge in the experiences of the world.

Love!

Presence

I read this awesome inspiration today....

It was a message that talks about being present and how this person magically walked down the street and saw people on iphones, with headphones, texting, walking, talking, riding, etc, etc.  And how nobody was stopping to look at the beauty of the world.  The writer / observer thought he would stop and take a look around a couple of times to initiate a bit of presence.  Beautiful concept, I am serious this is so amazing and so true that we can take more time to acknowledge our surroundings with a deeper sense of appreciation.
But it pays no merit to the other side of the equation which is avoidance.  Because sometimes we can only take little bits of life in at a time.

I think of this writer's somewhat pretentious comment about how present he was and how no one else was that and I become slightly (ok, really) angry.  I am in the thickest part of pain and if I were to be fully present with it I think I would likely combust and destroy everything and everyone around me.  For the record and coping it feels good to blow out my ear drums with music that soothes and breaks my soul simultaneoulsy, it feels good to text and get responses of support. shit talking banter, and love from friends.  It makes my life easier right now.  It allows me to take in small bits at a time what I cannot process, which I believe is how most of us our operating.  

So, when we take a look around and decide what people think life should look like, we are most likely forgetting that we are all trying to get through something and doing the best we know how to do at that moment.  Your words on staying present are beautiful and inspiring.  But let us not forget that there are two sides to every equation, there is the light and the dark.  Your opinion on the situation may not always bring it to balance, or be appropriate to preach.

Let us instead dance that line of when avoidance becomes inhibiting and when too much presence causes an ego complex.  And let us do this dance together so that everyone has the space they need for this exploration and instead of verbally reminding someone what the world should look like, we portray it by our actions.

ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS! 

We are not guru's to anyone but ourselves.  We do not know best for others.  We are free to avoid and sit with whatever we need to at any time.  Each of these actions has a place.  It is the dance of the light and the dark, the sun and the moon, the emotion and the logic, the man and the woman.

Live the life that is authentic to you.  Be challenged and open. Listen to what makes your heart happy and act on it.

Also, try not to allow the inspiration of others to grate your nerves and make you angrily "type with purpose" on your keboard a blog about how you just want to jam to music, smoke cigarettes, do yoga, and talk shit over text message.....

Love!

One Year Ago

One year ago today I was flying through the air with my dude to land in Thailand.  It has been aamzing since day one.

And now one year later I am flying back to the states, surprising my parents with an early arrival.  I could not be more excited to make this journey home and connect to the things and the places that have provided me so much grounding through out my life.  With out that grounding and support I would not do what I do.

In recent weeks as tragedy has shaken my life, I have been greatly reminded of how important life is and how important it is to be happy above everything.

Everyday I work with people who come to make big changes in their life, because something is not satisfactory.  As people go through the schedule of exercise and through the healthy menu I often hear peoples advice as eat less carbs, juice daily, be a vegetarian, eat raw, do a fast, have a colonic, don't eat sweets, and so on goes our observation and announcements of the right way....
We are overwhelmed with information about the "right answer" out there, when in truth there is no right answer.  Not just one will save every person from the distress of their own mind or body.  But when you are less stressed, when you know who you are (not what you do, but who you are to the people around you, what you provide the world), you are able to make clearer choices.

We have a responsibility to embrace everything that comes our way, to search out why we have the habits we have and to decide whether we really want them to be a part of our life, and to make decisions according to our own needs.  It becomes an exploration, a life long exploration where everyday we learn more and more. But we have to listen!  And we have to do things that make us listen, we have to challenge ourselves daily.

  GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND INTO YOUR BODY

Think about it....

In this past year I have had to face myself.  In doing so I have come to believe that it is not about what you do in your life, but how you approach it.  Now, this is not a new concept and I myself have been playing with the idea for a few years, but it has recently struck me straight in the heart and clear as day.

If you we approach our food with anticipation and desperation that it will cause us upset or perhaps be the answer to our problems we are creating a sort of distress in the body.  So, as the food travels down into our digestive system which we have already stressed out because we are thinking too much about what we want the outcome to be.  How will our body respond to processing the food if we are starting off worried about it?
If you approach and exercise you hate with the expectation that it will fix your problems you are creating more tension and expectation in your body.
If you make a phone call or a visit to a friend when you really just need time to sit with yourself you are not honoring your needs and putting more tension in your body.
If you do something you read about even though you feel as though it is not right for you, will you be able to relax into it and feel the results?

If you aproach everything you do with love, respect, and appreciation it changes things.  It gives you space to sit back and relax, to absorb and enjoy things rather than analyze and regret things.  Stop classifying things as good and bad and start enjoying things for what they are.  Our classifications of right and wrong or good and bad are the energy that we are putting into life and if a decision is already made about how it will effect us then we are limiting our possibility for opportunity.

Put down your diet books, your self help books, get off facebook, go for a walk, eat a magnum bar, laugh with a friend and ask yourself what is truly brilliant about yourself... and answer honestly and confidently, rather than the answer you think someone else would want to hear.  Get intimate with yourself and with with those around you.
Example:  I am a very nice person.  vs.  I make others feel love.
Get connected.

Because the moment you can do this and feel comfortable in doing so is the moment you take charge of your life.  You know who you are in the world and can make your decisions from that knowledge.

Love your life.
Love your food.
Love your friends and your foe.
Love the trees.
Love the water.
Love your body.
Love other peoples bodies.
Love the variance.
Love the challenge.
Love that we do not have the answers.
Embrace the mystery and the magic.

Watch in fascination as life unfolds its mysteries and enjoy every mintue of it.  Every single one of you, and every single person you know and that exists in this world is amazing in their own right, and it is about time we start honoring that to the fullest.

Love!

http://www.gofundme.com/40y9i8

Get Outta Your Head and Into Your Body

Get out of your head (stop thinking about it) and get into your body (and feel it)!

The above idea (getting out of your head and into your body) was born from watching students wiggle and squirm about during the still poses in yoga class; looking so obviously uncomfortable with the fact that it begins to even make me feel nervous.  

I mean , I understand, after all, there is so much to do when you are on a holiday, in paradise with all the time in the world to enjoy classes, food, friendship, and making these long term changes in your life.  

(Just kidding guys, well kind of)  

But really, we spend so much time these days thinking about the million other things we could or should be doing that we are falling short with the task at hand.  We are forgetting to set ourselves up properly for the future we want, whether that be a pose or something bigger, that we hurry to get somewhere that hasn't even happened yet.  We finish our yoga class and proclaim with great pride that "we did yoga today".  

But did we?  Or have we finished the class before we have even started it?    

Each time we step onto our mat we have the opportunity to pay very close attention to how we really feel about the things that we are doing.  It does not need to be thought about or analyzed, but rather experienced and witnessed for what it is.  We can impliment curiousity, and become child-like.  We can simply be in this space of movng ourselves in ways that would be considered quite awkward anywhere but here in a yoga class.  

In recent months I have been involved in the process of "branding" myself and what I do.  I often feel so disconnected from such an act and when I start to think about it too much I "do my head in" and get a bit "mental".  My classes essentisally go to hell in a handbasket and I feel confused about my own self and teaching style.  

This causes me to reach out to the people who enjoy my classes and ask them what makes my style special.  I am met with the similar answers everytime and am grounded back down as to why I do what I do.  You guys, the people I get the amazing opportunity to work with, are the ones that make me FEEL an unbelievable amount of love for what I do.  Rooting me back down from the insane madness of the yoga world, because when it gets business-y it is madness, and helping me to reconnect to the passion of why I teach and why I practice.  Some days you even bring me to tears.    

I certainly do not believe I am any hot shit in the yoga world, there are so many great amazing teachers with so much to offer.  But when I teach I FEEL all powerful (Bwahahahahah - insert super villian laugh).  All kidding aside, yoga makes me get out of my head about what I do and absolutely into the moment where amazing things can happen.  

The Nitty Gritty

There is sand in the ridges of my yoga mat.

No matter what I do it does not go away.

It is persistent about being there, about blending not so smoothly into the sweet sandalwood and jojoba oil puddles that christen my mat before each practice.  Oils that have been placed there with the idea of grounding, calming, and invigorating intentions, how quickly they betray me.

It starts by pushing into my shoulders as I lie flat on my back before my practice.  Then it moves ever so gracefully to my knees in childs pose and my hands in down dog to my elbows in dolphin.  Somehow, someway it manages into my mouth and my eyes breaking all bounds of comfort.

It could be worse though, I could not live near the beach and I could not be practicing yoga.  Two things I love very much.

But honestly I am a control freak about some things, (okay most things), and that is what brings me to my mat again and again.  

To be humbled.  
To be reminded.
To be brought to my knees before my expectations.  

Over the years I have learned that I cannot control anything besides my own actions and reactions, which in retrospect is actually the best thing to be able to control.  I have developed a patience and a control over my desire to control.  If that makes sense.  I use yoga to climb, (yes that is how I picture the effort some days... climbing), into my body and remember that I can control my breath, my movements, my emotions, my eating habits, how much I give and how well I receive.  It is the book I open when I am searching for information on myself.  

Some years ago my practice transitioned from asana obsessive to a more reflective state.  I began to see how my words, thoughts, feelings, and actions were effecting my practice., and how those very same thoughts travelled off the mat with me into my daily life.  And believe me, these thoughts were shit.  I was so hard on myself and rarely gave credit to accomplishment.  I noticed that if I took the time to become aware of these triggers and habits I could change them.  I could climb warily off my yoga mat after each practice and walk out into my life surrounded by people who challenged me and supported me, and I could start to see challenge and support as equals.

I learned that I didn't have to justify, claim, or defend my life.  I just had to get to know myself well enough to be comfortable making decisions.

It taught me the below conversation with myself:

There's sand in my yoga mat

It is hurting my hands

Thats why I cannot do a arm balance today 

Oh plus I have that shoulder injury that would never let me do an arm balance

I should just skip this practice, I can't really do the apex pose any way

Ugh, why does everybody think these poses are so awesome
Why is the teacher leading this pose, she hasn't even asked about injuries, thats dumb

Oh wait, I really just don't want to the damn arm balance......

Ok, if I am being honest it bothers me to do the forearm balance because I do not feel stable or strong enough and that is something that I really want in all areas of my life.
Stability and strength.  

Try the stupid arm balance

BOOM!!!!!!!!!

That sand, it respresents the part of me that drives myself crazy.  The oart of me that likes to be weak and out of control.  The part of me that is forever 4 years old and likes the attention of a sob story, born and bred from years of mindless belief that we have to have a long exagerated story to make outr actions worthy.  

It reminds me that I have to get over myself, to see the nitty gritty part of myself that likes to make excuses, and move into it, through it, and past it.  

Though I have not learned to love the sand in my yoga mat all the time, it is there to remind me that there is more work to do, more personal accountability to be had and less responsibility to spread onto others.

And that is something to love.  

We are the only ones that can change ourselves.  The only ones that make the decisions that create our own happiness or sadness.  Yoga just offers a gateway to have these conversations and move in ridiculous ways, continually proving your own awesomeness.

Get out of your head (stop thinking about it) and get into your body (and feel it)!

My First Pair of Yoga Pants

I was 18 and it was Christmas.

I had only in the recent months started yoga and was doing it to videos in the upstairs bedroom of the house I lived in.  I would gladly, maybe even excitedly, retreat away from the world I was living in at that point to indulge in the movement of my body.

I really loved yoga right away.  I mean I loved it with every cell in my body screaming for it to be had each and every night before I would embark into my evenings.  My body would move and flow and lift and dance through the video, an hour would expire and my spirit would drop to the floor with the rest of me in a pool of gratitude.  Detached from what was lying ahead of me or behind me, becoming content and satisfied.  And even better, I still LOVE yoga.

When my family bought me yoga pants, a sports bra, a yoga mat with a bag, a strap and a block I nearly cried.  I anxiously put on these pants that had no buttons, no zipper, no waistband or elastic and stated that I was done wearing jeans and blouses and bras with wires and that I would be a yoga instuctor just to wear the clothes.

As many things do my passion and time alloted for yoga would ebb for months and I would return to the pants and they would inspire me to step onto my mat.  Always taking me back to the satisfaction and contenment, igniting the flow of a regular yoga practice back into my life.

And quicker than I would have liked those pants lost their elasticity and became disrespefctfully see through, destined for the trash.  I began my search high and low for the exact same pair that originally stole my heart.  Though it never happened, it was in that search that I began to slowly accumulate "yoga clothes" and gift my friends with all the clothes that I have quite honestly had detested for years.

I truly adore that every day when I get dressed for work it is this type of clothes that I jump into, and that I no longer feel the need to run home and change as quickly as possible to be comfortable.  I would even go so far as to say that it is likely a combination of the clothes and the practice that have caused me to be a teacher and a student for what is now 12 years.

But really, in the great big scheme of everything being everything in the world, it would only make sense.  Yoga made me comfortable, flexible, and powerful in my skin, it got me through some shit times and put me into some shit times.  The clothes have always just been symbolic as to how yoga has made me feel.  Flexible and relaxed in my own skin.

Bringing Sexy Back

I once read somewhere that truth is sexy.  

Pictures are popping up everywhere with "big" vs. "small" or "fat" vs. "skinny" women.  Asking questions like "Since when did this become sexier than this?".  (See below picture for reference).  In my opinion there should be no “vs.” involved.  When we sit down and reflect on the people that appeal to us as sexy it is generally not just their physical appearance but instead a deeper sense of spark they have. Something we often refer to as confidence; the way the hold themselves, speak, or smile.    

Confidence by definition is :

full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing

belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities

certitude; assurance

I strongly believe this needs addressed.  Articles are constantly popping up about what a proper body should look like, what proper eating should look like, what proper exercise looks like, but we are still not getting to the root of the issue here.  To address the physical, we must also address the mental / emotional.    

  

There are many different perspectives on what sexy is, and thanks to the media we have exploited skinny as sexy.  Perhaps the worst part is that we have followed suit for many years, promoting this appeal by buying the clothes, the magazines, the advertisements, and so on.  We, in part, are responsible for this imaging and the distortion that it may hold. 

As an on and off model I will say that the behind the scenes of being that skinny involves sacrificing your soul and continual verbal abuse.  Being that I weighed 110-120lbs at 5’9” and you could count my ribs through my shirt I often found myself being insubordinate to my agent.  However they still managed to pinch, prod and click their tongues that I should shoot heroine between my toes for a few days to slim down for a casting that could be potential big bucks.  I have seen girls drugged, slept with, black listed, verbally abused, and made plastic by surgeries for the price of what our magazines want to portray as “sexy”.  In fact we all have. 

It took an 11 year old girl saying to me that she wanted to look just like me before it hit me just how shit that industry is.  It is important to note that there are companies out there that do not require such things of the people that model their clothes.  But they are fewer and farther between than the ones that do. 

Now as we are beginning to wake up to the disgust that we feel for the lines drawn in the sand about “sexy”.  We are becoming proactive in saying that sexy is dependent on the eye of the beholder, and we will continue on this path of making it more balanced, because it is time we took a healthier approach to our lives. 

Meaning no more anorexia and no more obesity… accepting ourselves at a body weight that works for us and putting the effort in to eat healthy and stay active. 

Truth is sexy, and that truth differs from person to person.  There is no cure all diet, no perfect exercise program, no right way to apply your make up, or to dress.  Instead we have opportunities everyday to take care of ourselves by eating the foods that give us energy and make us feel good, whether that be a carrot or potato chips.  We have the chance every day to go for a walk or stretch, or do some jumping jacks.  It is in these processes we learn about ourselves and our bodies, we create the space for us to connect to what works for us rather than what our neighbor said they did to “get the weight off”. 

Humans are brilliant.  I mean look at the things that we create on a daily basis and through the centuries, and yet we fail to embrace a healthy lifestyle.  We blame our jobs, our busy life, our money situation, our emotions, and our health when really we are in charge of it all.  We set the boundaries in our own life, in each and every situation.  And when we go to the store and we buy a shape magazine with a little “perfect” body on the cover we support the idea and the definition of what is sexy and appealing.  We literally buy into it every time we spend our money on it, proving to the people behind the scenes that this is okay.  So, ask yourself, do you really think this is okay? 

We can become sexier by putting in the effort and creating the confidence that we are able to take responsibility and accountability for ourselves, because that is truth, individual truth., and that is a sexy that no one else can possibly mimic.  It eliminates over eating, under eating, stress eating, and laziness because we listen to ourselves and our needs, and then we act on those needs.  

Grow your own food, or at least some of it.  You can grow herbs and veggies in just a pot if that’s all you have space for.

Go for a walk, we all have spare minutes in our day.  Just get off the phone, off the computer, off the couch and see where you go, even if it is laps around the living room.

Stretch.  Bend over try and touch your toes.  Bend from side to side.  Twist and turn.  There are endless podcasts out there and endless information on the internet.

Don’t by fashion magazines, diet pills, exercise gimics, and “guaranteed to fix you” information. 

Only you can fix you. 

Tell your boss, your family, your friends what you need.  Create boundaries, it builds respect. 

Dammit, I didn’t want to create a list of “fix it” ideas.  I just wanted to give you ideas for how you can take charge in your life.

Rather than a size or a weight wouldn’t we prefer if sexy was a state of mind, an empowered state of mind.  I am not talking feminist “I am woman hear me roar”, I am talking about “I know who I am, I will honor who I am, I will act on my beliefs, I know how to take care of myself”.  Thank you and have a great day. 

Be sexy in your own right, because you deserve it and the world deserves it.  No 11 year old should think that “skinny” is the definition of sexy.  

Yoga is like a fortune cookie

Yep, that is the wisdom that resulted from my practice today.  I know, I know... it's profound!

But before you begin to think of me brilliant for spitting out incredible metaphors to explain the worlds mysteries, please read on....  

One day you climb on your mat.  You start your practice and you start to feel this shit happening!  Your muscles are getting stretched, you feel bone on bone, muscle on bone, fire in thighs, fatigue in shoulders and suddenly you know your body a little bit more.  It becomes a process of knowledge and awareness rather than some addition to your work out routine.  It is a bit of space in a big wide world where we do not give ourselves enough space.

You know the way a fortune cookie sometimes makes you stop and think about how you may be able to apply it to your life; yoga poses make you stop and think about why your body is the way that it is.  It unfolds your habits and reveals to you strengths, weakness, and tension... and it makes you apply yourself. 

After class you walk away feeling better, ideally.  You can move your body with a little more freedom and maybe you notice that your back doesn't hurt, you can bend forward with out feeling like you will tip over, you can twist to turn around with out shooting pains in your neck, and you have better posture.  And all of this because you strecthed your muscles, you opened it up, you read what it had to say, you applied it to your life and now you are your own guru.  BOOM!

That shit is huge!  Your own guru... think about it.  Take a little time to ponder what this means because it is no small thing.

You get to know your own needs, your own boundaries (and I am still only talking physically, his doesn't even go into what you are feeling mentally) and you learn how to address your own body.

In short, you become in charge.

How's that for a fortune cookie?  "Hi welcome to your life... you are now in charge"  (This also means that you are responsible and accountable for how you feel at all times).

Next time you walk into a yoga class, take the moments that are silent (god I hope those moments exist), and listen to what your body is telling you.  Learn about yourself.  Become your own guru.  Be your own power and embrace that you know far better for yourself than any other person could ever tell you.  All of this because you take the time to listen to what is going on.  You open it up, you read, you apply!

See?  I told you yoga is like a fortune cookie!  Maybe not as tasty though.....

How breathing can change your life

"We may learn to stay present with our physical sensations, but if the diaphragm is hypertonic (or too tight, just like your shoulders) or the stomach can’t move properly in the abdominal cavity, we will have to work really hard to achieve calm presence when we could instead work to unblock stagnation and release tissues..." 

Most of us have heard something about diaphragmatic breathing somewhere along the lines in our life.  Rarely is this ever so important breath broken down in detail as to how it should work, or why it is so freaking important.  The above quotation has summed up what I have felt for years about the importance of breathing.  I wanted to take some time to break it down today, to have the logical explanation of why we take deep breaths to calm ourselves down.

Inhale.  

But do not breath into your belly first.  Your stomachs main function is not to breath, it is to digest.  Your  lungs  are meant for breathing, so use them.  Fill them from top to bottom when you breath.  When we inhale our intercoastal muscles (the muscles between the ribs) and the diaphragm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thoracic_diaphragm) contract to expand out so that the lungs can fill properly.  Once the rib cage has created space for the lungs to fill our diaphragm pushes down into our belly and pushes the belly button away from the spine.   

The inhale brings energy into our body, delivering oxygen to our heart, blood, and muscles which also stimulates the nerves.  

Exhale.

Breath out of your belly FIRST.  Engage or flex your abdominal muscles as if pulling the belly button towards the spine to push the diaphragm back up into the rib cage putting pressure on the lungs to empty and breath out.  In a natural exhale the muscles between the ribs and the diaphragm will release their contraction and the lungs will empty.  By engaging the muscles of the core we are putting emphasis on the control of our breath.  

The exhale releases energy from the body, calming our nervous system, and releasing carbon monoxide from the body.  Think about how you sigh in situations where there is frustration or tension has been released, this is the bodies way of letting it all go.  

To reconnect to the very beginning of this post, if you breath incorrectly you are putting unneccsary tension into the diaphragm and the body.  By building these tensions physically you will find mental discomfort as well, with outcomes such as headaches, anxiety, moodiness, insomnia, and a disconnection to how you are really feeling.  For these syptoms to be relieved we must first teach ourselves to breath correctly so that our muscles are releasing tension, which in turn will release tension from our nerves.

As our breath steadies out our bodies are able to balance the "rest and digest" (parasympathetic, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasympathetic_nervous_system ) with the "fight or flight" (sympathetic, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system ).  We become better able to make decisions, , learn to control our tempers, and over all relax!

Ok, so that is a more logical approach as to why we learn to breath correctly.  I have also attached an 8 minute audio walking you through the breath.  If you can, take the time and listen to it.  It's 8 minutes of lying on your back, which I am sure no one will argue is something that we need more of.  In addition, check out the below link about trauma, it is enlightening 

http://healingfromthefreeze.wordpress.com/2011/08/18/the-vagus-nerve-and-the-difficulty-with-mindfulness/

It will change your day, you will walk away feeling a bit calmer and with a better understanding of how the breath effects you.  

Enjoy!

The Gift of Space

This is the gift of my day.....

It is so simple.  A fish and veg stir fry homemade by our neighbors.  

The past few weeks I have done nothing to give myself space.  Instead I have played a game of "I should...." and felt guilty when I do not follow through.  Until one fine evening when Jeremie casually mentioned that "I should have gone to do the radio show...."

You know, when we first step on our yoga mat we almost treat it as though it is a barrier, like we need to stay within the confines of the rubber material and that the moment we step into a pose, that is where we must remain.  We crowd ourselves, limiting our ability to feel it, limiting our ability to reach the potential that comes from these movements; mostly because we forget that we have the time to move and create our space.  Because yoga, like life, is a pulsation, and a constant conversation.  

Our body will start to give us warning signs that will be telling us to create a bit of movement,  which can put us in the awkward predicament of not wanting to draw attention from other students or the teacher so that we can just get through this damn class.  Then the worst happens, and we have been noticed, (I hope to god you get noticed, other wise find a new teacher and a new class!!!!!), and the teacher approaches us with the right information to open up and we learn that inevitably......

With out the space we cannot create the change!!!!

We have to adapt, trust ourselves, listen to what is actually going on and take action accordingly.  This stems far beyond our mat and far our into the worlds we live in.  Bridging these gaps of "difference" from our mat to our daily lives allows us to see what our habits are in more than just a physical sense.  On your yoga mat, playing with your space will save your joints from injury, your body from discomfort, and maximize your results.  I had a yoga instructor back home that used to always say "It is when you know your boundaries that you have ultimate freedom", "and to find your boundaries you have to move".  

I have had to accept in these past few days that I unfortunately do not always give myself the space I need.  If I had simply given myself the space to be homesick, to communicate what I was stressed about at work, to sit in the air con or go to the beach I would probably not have blown a gasket when there was something else that I "should" do.  

Now that the gasket has been blown, and a dear sister has left to continue her amazing beautiful journey, my dude has left on a visa run, and I have a beautiful dinner, music, and space I can settle into exactly the things that I need to address.  

It is in this space that we establish ourselves separate from others beliefs or expectations.  It is where we settle into the seat of our soul, our own knowledge about ourselves.  

Step 1, take care of your shit.....

I have most recently been exploring how much I procrastinate with my day to day needs.  Not the ones that I enjoy of course like drinking coffee, showering, yoga or eating but the little things that make us human and are unique in the mammal world.

I put off hair cuts, logging online to pay bills, grocery shopping, emails, phone calls, filling up my gas tank.......  

I know these are things that need accomplished for the life that I have created and the life I enjoy, but most days I just don't want to be bothered.  Instead I dread them, and wished I approached them with a bit more gratitude, and even enthusiasm.

....Poor little american girl has to fill up her gas tank, and go to a western grocery store to buy a luxurious bag of coffee....hahaha its time for me to get real!

So, because I am lazy like this I am starting to realize how many hours I anticipate the things that need accomplished and in the end I have wasted hours, maybe even days thinking about it again and again and delaying it again and again.

So, that's awesome and all, but I am kind of tired of wasting time in my life and I wonder how much I would have gotten accomplished if I quit delaying the very basic things.

As a yoga teacher I started to relate this to a yoga practice.  I see it all the time in class, where students do not take the extra step in the lunge, soften the knees, or become aware of the breath.  All things which are necessary for a proper practice that will protect you from injury... but we do not think about that.  Instead we think about those around us, catching up in class, aesthetics, the end result, the time, or the discomfort. By not setting ourselves up properly for the pose and taking the necessary time we need for proper function of a practice, we weaken our bodies.  \

I think this is human nature, and sometimes that nature leads us to put the attention on the wrong area.  But in a yoga practice, we want our bodies calm and relaxed, our breath uninhibited, our movements slow and specific.  There are many benefits to be had by making sure you set up correctly in both your yoga practice as well as your daily life.

It is important to be efficient in our lives so that we do not waste the energy that we do have, especially if our lives are chaotic and busy.

Let us quit being lazy and start accomplishing the small steps in our life that bring us to bigger picture, whether in your yoga practice or off of your mat.  Reducing our stresses, improving our frame of mind, and building our strength and confidence in ourselves as we accomplish even the little things in our life.

So please, for the love of your knees and your sanity, step that foot far enough forward that your knee is not passing it in a lunge.  Your knees will thank you in 5 years!  And who knows where else we will be with our accomplishments by then.

  

Your Posture Meets You Practice

Our attention to our posture is as important as our attention to our clients, after all if we are uncomfortable in our bodies and our stance then how can we be attentive to what is happening on the table.  The strength of our core, the grounding in our legs, the position of the shoulders and so much more are what makes us a successful practitioner.

 

It all starts with the feet and works its way up the body.  The final outcome of the body is that the hips above the heels, the shoulders above the hips, and finally the ears back over the shoulders.    

The feet should be firmly planted with the weight distributed towards the back side of the body.  To accomplish this weight distribution I suggest standing there with your toes lifted off of the ground so that the body is resting on the ball and heel of the foot.  It takes a little getting used to and a lot of practice in which I suggest keeping those toes up as much as possible until it feels natural to let them down and hold the weight out of them.  This will begin to strengthen the muscles of the feet as well as the ankles and up the legs.

Which leads us to the knees.  For proper support we want the knees to have a slight micro-bend in them, have them be soft as if you just are about to jump high or are just landing from a jump.  When we lock out our knees we are energetically saying there is an underlying discomfort in standing our own ground.  We are relying on the dynamic of the bones to support us rather than the strength of our own muscles.  We soften the knees and the muscles of the legs will kick into action and it will suddenly become easier to have our toes lifted and the weight in our back body.  When the knees micro-bend it automatically releases the pelvis so that the low back can lengthen and the hips can align over the heels.  This will also gently engage the deeper muscles of the core so that the belly button pulls towards the spine to stabilize the core. 

The final steps are easy, as we rest in the grounding of our feet we draw our shoulders and our lower ribs towards the back body so that the shoulders are over the hips.  This keeps us from puffing up our chest and interfering with our heart.  As we complete our posture by pulling our ears slightly back over our shoulders we give the energetic effect of staying present rather than rushing forward. 

To have a stable body and a basic understanding of how your body is feeling and how it is aligned also keeps us open to the mis-alignments that happen energetically when we are physically out of whack.  I highly suggest incorporating yoga poses into your stances; using lunges and wide legged stances as a grounded base so that the core stays strong and the shoulders relaxed.  These type of stances will also keep you attentive to facing the client, not crossing arms, and being aware of their movements. 

When you are able to trust your stance and use less physical energy in trying to stay comfortable you will be more present and open to other sources of energy.  I encourage practitioners and students alike to practice these stances in their daily life whether at a table or doing dishes.  Stand strong in your feet keep the knees soft so that the hips can relax, draw the torso back over the hips and relax the shoulders.  All of these have amazing energetic effects and you will soon be able to notice a shift in your sessions!

Published 2013, Healing Touch Level 1 Manual

What Did You Expect?

Expectation.  

That word says it all.  Through my life I have expected people to come through. To be something that they could, would or God forbid, I think they “should” be.  Only to let them and myself down with this expectation.

I actually have no idea where to begin, I had the thoughts all in my head as to how I could best express to all who read this the most important point, which is to let go of your judgements on people because of what they do and who they are.  Specifically in the world of yoga since that is where my work is.  However the mind bottling thing is that the only reason we have so much expectation about others is because we are judging ourselves for the same thing we are projecting onto other people.

So, where do you begin an article like that, and what do you start to express first?  Here lies the dilemma of which one comes first, how do we approach this?  Well, we, most of us reading this either meditate or practice yoga or stay conscious about our eating habits, etc to address this.  But there we can so quickly run away with the thought that we are living righteously.  But are we?

What is the right way to live? 

What do we expect of the people in our lives, but deeper yet, what do we expect of ourselves?

While dancing my face off one Halloween weekend I was given the opportunity that so often happens when you work in the public eye.  I ran into yoga students, people who had heard about my classes, people who had taken my classes, and people who I had taken classes from as well.  And, even though I was there to party down I suddenly felt a large amount of pressure to act a specific way.  To appear “yogic”, but what on earth does that mean?  All I could think, as I talked to the myriad of individuals was “Oh my God I have whiskey in my hands”  “Did they see me smoking that Cigarette”, “Whew, my skirt is short”, and of course “Am I living a lie?” “Is this really the Yogic lifestyle, maybe I should go home and meditate”. 

Buzzkill.  

There I stood in a sea full of people dressed in wild costumes, drunk or on drugs, dancing wildly and decided that this moment is one of the greatest moments of my life.  Here is where the world of yoga and the “real” world collide for me.

So, I jumped all in, I danced until I stunk, a played hard with my friends and enjoyed the night.  As I pounded my feet on the ground, spinning wildly and bumping into those around me I scanned my memories of this life and I came to the beat stopping obvious thought… we are all on our own personal journey.  Here together to experience the life and the events but to move through it at our own pace. 

What do you expect of your teachers, your peers, and yourself?  In the world of yoga do you expect your teachers to be at home practicing, while you are out playing?  And if you are a teacher, do you have expectations that your students be at home deepening their practice rather than out having a wild night with friends and socializing? 

I remember the first giant let down in yoga… I had placed the expectation on an individual that because of the position they were in, they would be different from the other drama out there in the world.  I was crushed to discover that this person had their own stuff…. Really?!  I had forgotten and given no credit to the fact that we are all human.

Article Published 2011, Yoga Connection Magazine

A Trip Outside of Yourself

“He who travels far will often see things,

Far removed from what he believed was truth,

When he talks about it in the fields at home,

He is often accused of lying,

For the obdurate people will not believe,

What they do not see and distinctly feel,

Inexperience, I believe,

Will give little credence to my song”

I went to Mexico, for a month.  We drove down against all advice not too.  We survived and we sustained ourselves for the most part.  When we got to the beach we found a place and pitched our tents, we set up a kitchen area and soaked it all in.  From there we would go to the store and get only what we needed that the cooler could hold for 2 days and let go of the rest.  Our days consisted of spear fishing, surfing, scuba diving, swimming, climbing for coconuts, etc.  It was beautiful and there was only one word to describe it:

Simplicity!

Everyday we went to bed with the sun and rose with the sun, planned our days around the food we were going to eat, surfed, played bochi ball, swam, walked, and read in the hammocks.  And in that space is where I revealed myself to, well, myself.  You can only spend so much time with yourself, and when you have nowhere to go and nothing that has to be done you see a lot of yourself.  I got to very personally step out of every comfort zone I have ever known and play in the abyss that the world really is.  After vegetarianism for a year and being raw for half of that, I ate meat and cooked food for every meal, every day.  I was able to listen to what my body wanted and honor it.  It felt incredible and still does.  But as there is a light side to things, there is too a dark side. 

The shadow crept up behind me, and like a tornado I suddenly found myself in the eye of a storm.  To be honest, I have experienced anxiety and insomnia for much of my life and I expected the beach and the ocean to help with it, to settle my system enough to fully relax.  Then one night there it all was again, no sleep, and nightmares when it did come, and anxiety deep down in my chest.  What could I be anxious about?

 

Well here is what I got out of it….

Anxiety, it is all fear.  It is a feeling that is so strong that it distracts you from everything around you.  So, what was I so afraid of?  I was afraid of myself.  I was afraid of the habits and patterns in my life.  I was afraid to look at and take accountability for every time I have had anxiety or insomnia or fear based thoughts.  I always drove the blame towards an outside source… my childhood, the phase of the moon, the food I ate, my horoscope, my living situation, my past….

But none of those things were present on the beach in La Saladita, Only memories and storylines from my own head.   Leading me to the conclusion that I, and my patterns, are the only constant in this story line of my life.  The accountability goes all to me

. 

Hold on, because I am about to really go places here! 

In the middle of these swirling thoughts about what true accountability was revealing to me I dug deeper and deeper until I could find what it really stemmed from.  I found it, and it hurt, but in the best way that hurt can because it really changed my life  I found this word compassion that every one speaks so highly of and I opened up to it.  The true depth of my discomfort does not need shared, because it is not the moral of the story, and I do at some points believe that some things should be held dear.  The truth of the matter is that we have all these things within US, outside of US and acting upon US.  And that US is the constant.  No matter what it is we always have choice, our reactions are our choice and our power.  BAM!  Self Empowerment!

 

Shortly before I left for Mexico a dear friend shared with me something her mom told her, “The ball is in your court, you just have to realize it”. 

It breaks down to all the simple things in life.  The ball is always in your court and you are always responsible for the things in your life.  If it is an outside influence on you, you can still choose how to react to it.  Maybe this information will empower you for the rest of your life.  I know that it did for me.  I have now seen that whatever I do in life, I have the choice.  If I want something to be different then I can change it.  Sometimes it is work, and sometimes it comes with ease. 

I am inspired more than ever to offer up to the world what I have to give.  I am in the process of creating what I do and what I want to bring and I simply am burning with desire to give it to the world.  It has to do with empowerment and drawing into one’s own sense of self, and if you are curious it will be revealed soon.       

If I had a moral to this story, it would be to take a trip like this, to step into an unknown situation and know that you will be just fine.  I would encourage everyone to challenge their day to day perspective on life and begin to see the things that challenge them in a different way.  I would ask that everyone who reads this article takes a moment to imagine a life where it is all so simple, because it is all within us.  What would the world look like if we all empowered ourselves?  When we are empowered we accept full responsibility and accountability, meaning that we have the potential to see our actions and reactions in the world as a whole. 

We are all powerful people and regardless of what each of us has gone through we have the CHOICE in everything that we do.  You are Empowered!  You are incredible!  You can change every situation to be full of love and growth.  

Article Published 2011, Yoga Connection Magazine

To Yoke

To yoke, or to unite; with this being the translation for the word Yoga it would make perfect sense as to why so many people are attracted to it.  I myself was drawn in by my practice after a short period of time as I began to feel more like I belonged to the world, like I had my own place here.

After 7 years of inconsistent practice I decided to step up and do a teacher training so that I could lead others into the deeper realm of yoga, so that I could maybe help others see the incredible possibilities that I had experienced with yoga.  I stepped behind the doors of what yoga looked like and discovered that the world of yoga is very similar to a world without yoga.  Sometimes it is petty, it hoards and has greed, it has its lies and it has it downfalls and drama; but mainly because we are all human and this is part of our psyche… yoga just offers us a gateway to begin to see these patterns so that we can shift to a higher activation of self, yoga helps us to be aware of the “humanness”.

My name is Adriane Ehmann and I began yoga at 18 years old when I was modeling and they expressed that yoga would help me to lose weight.  Lose weight!!!  I was on it, I practiced 1 hour a day 7 days a week determined to lose weight…. And found so much more.  At the time, and as young as I was, I was  involved in an abusive relationship.  I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and drank heavily 3 to 4 times per week.  The results crept up on me and I am unsure of how long it took before I had the full realization….

But one day I woke up and noticed that I didn’t smoke first thing, and then I noticed that when my partner was mean I just let it go and was able to relieve it through a steady breath, and then I didn’t want to go drinking…. These things, these habits begin to decrease in strength and before I knew it I barely smoked, and if I drank it was a single glass of wine, I was calmer and the fear of returning home was less and less because somewhere deep inside me I knew that this relationship did not define me.  I lost weight for sure too, but I mainly contribute that to the 12 diet pills that I took a day.  Then one day I got the phone call of a lifetime and was invited by Elite Model Management of Milan Italy to come out and model for them.  It was exactly what I had been working for and with the exit from the Unites States my yoga practice ceased to exist.

The relationship naturally ended when I returned from Italy, and I fell into a heavy drinking stage upon where I was drunk pretty much 70% – 80% of the time for 6 months.  There was no time for yoga as I wallowed away in the “failure” or modeling and the “failure” of a relationship.  I fell into many destructive habits at this point in life; the drinking soon led me to cocaine; which ultimately led me to another 6 month binge of being coked out probably 75% of the time.  It was my priority to be disconnected and nothing was going to change that….. After a night of partying, (skipping the details), I should have been dead, but for some reason I survived.  I was up for 4 days with the shakes and anxiety like no ones business and with the help of dear friends I made the decision to step out of my self destruction.  My roommates encouraged me to start going to the gym, where I took a yoga class within those first couple of sober days; that class helped me to begin my own home practice with the videos of Suzanne Deason and Rodney Yee.  Yoga again became a nightly ritual and with how extensive I was diving into drugs and alcohol, where I should have experienced withdrawl, I experienced peace.  This I attribute to the practice of yoga, as it is the only thing that I had seen such incredible results with before. 

I practiced yoga for another 5 or 6 years on and off at home with the comfort of my videos that had nurtured me through so much torment.  I stayed clean from drugs and would find myself making better decisions when I would practice, a feeling of wholeness was there when my practice was consistent.  In this time I took one guided yoga class session through the Recreator in which I cried for hours after each practice.  And after the 7 years of hiding at home I joined a place that was both a gym and a studio.  At this point I practiced once a week and even taught a few classes a week at another place where I had been trained to do a specific sequence.  I was happy, but I also wanted to get certified so I pursued it and went from practicing once a week to 7 days a week for months and months.

I have been a certified instructor for over a year now and I love it.  I have taught consistently and practiced inconsistently at times and regularly at other times.  But my dedication has always just been there.  I find myself always committed to yoga and try to revisit what my journey has been often, as the practice is something that I can always revisit and go to when I need comfort and exploration.  It helps me to tap into myself at a level that may remain untouched otherwise.  I create an opportunity to listen to my body and witness my breath as they dance together in perfect creation of the divine.  When I come to my mat I find a sense of compassion for myself and for those around me; I am able to take accountability for my life and see what I am happy with and what I would like to do better at. 

Yoga, to me, is school, it is consistently around to teach me about the world and to link me to those that are far and near.  It has changed my diet from heavy emotional foods to vegetarian and raw.  It has led me into deeper practices such as meditation and breath work, unlocking unknown memories and motivations.  I would call it a form of religion I use it to connect to that I remained ignorant from for many years of my life. 

Article Published 2010, Yoga Connection Magazine