If you had told me 7 years ago that my coping mechanisms for stress were going to be lorazepam, cigarettes, coffee, and no food or sleep I would not have believed you.
But you see, I was naive to what a yogic lifestyle would really look like for myself. As I begin to embark on teaching I was drowning in the romantic love of smoothies, vegetarianism and raw food, no stimulants, regular yoga practice, daily meditation, and a mastery of breath. I was on a honeymoon with what I thought my relationship to yoga would be.
Then things got real.
Through an unsteady and irregular practice over the past 14 years I have un-layered through some shit, like so many of us have. I have seen myself in a variety of ways that extend from hulk-like strength and resilience to a broken and shattered mess on the floor.
And this, has become my yoga. Listening to self awareness.
Though it is difficult to extend beyond the social idea of what a yoga teacher should be sometimes I know that life is not an ever flowing stream that we ease-fully flow down. Instead I find myself fighting to get upstream more times then not.
A few months ago I read somewhere, I think it was by Deepak Chopra, that to try and meditate when we are in chaos is useless.
Now those words are not exactly what he said but it was something similar to that effect. If we are spinning, fighting, and panicking trying to force ourselves to sit still will only exacerbate the feeling of panic. We must first calm ourselves. We must first find some relief.
This is where my lorazepam, coffee, cigarettes, and no sleep come in. I know now that this is how I handle stress (at least at this time), and that this works for me. Because through these things I calm my panic by exhausting my system into a forced surrender. My heart beats fast. I can't eat. My head spins and I do not sleep. I feel on the verge of tears. My body shivers. I am stressed. I know it, but because I am already in such a spin, it is too late to use the modalities of asana, pranayama, and meditation to soothe me. And sometimes the thing that is stressing me out the most is so big that those things would barely touch it anyways.
Tools are the ideal situation. But we are not always or even generally in the ideal situation. And the trade off of finding an immediate grasp so that we can utilize the tools we know, in my mind, is far more healthier than trying to force ourselves to sit down and do something that every cell in our body is arguing against.
It is easy for us to judge the use of pharmaceuticals, "unhealthy" foods, alcohol, and cigarettes. But the truth is, sometimes we need the external help to find the peace that resides within ourselves. It is only when we become fully reliant and are no longer implementing our internal strengthening tools that the use of externals becomes dangerous.
Gentleness is key, it is, in fact the most important thing, and it comes through loving yourself enough to know what you need.
So again, this is what yoga has become to me. Knowing what I need and giving it to myself until I no longer need it.
