After returning back to Thailand, feeling and acting like a slightly crazy hormonal teenager, the security and love for my job seemed like the perfect fix for the turmoil my soul was in (see precious posts for explanation). That is, until along came "the straw that broke the camels back".
No different than any other night I was messing around on my yoga mat pretending to meditate and shit when my guided meditation was interrupted by my whatsapp messages from my boss.... at 10pm about something that in my world is insignificant... the cancellation of a meeting time the next day. And BOOM!!!! That was it, suddenly I spun into a whirlwind of destruction... my boyfriend calls me "hurricane adriane"... I imagine that he is not far off. When I decide to destroy and destruct and move on I do it. And I wanted to destroy my so-called secure job. Because it is not secure when you cannot trust that your boundaries are respected.
So it sounds a little dramatic but I am not really exaggerating when I say I started to spin. My hands and arms and legs started to shake, I was so upset that my sacred time, my healing time was disrupted.. but mostly that my boundaries were not respected. Boundary being that at 10pm you don't get shitty with me because of a meeting. But this is way off the topic, even though it is the beginning of the acceleration... and now I am rambling.
Back to it...
As my moms life came to an end I remember watching her breathing, and watching the way her chest moved and feeling like there was something greater out there. I still feel it in my own chest. It is like an anticipation for what is coming. And when I got that whatsapp message and I freaked out it was because I again knew there was something more to life than "security".. because that is bullshit, there is no security in anything... unless it is in the fact that YOU know YOU can handle whatever comes your way.
So, here I am feeling groundless and rambling and likely making no sense, when what I am trying to tell you is that I just quit my job... and I do not really have anything lined up. I just know that there is something more to my world than set hours, contracts, whatsapp messages, and salary pay... for no other reason than because I want there to be. And like RalphWaldoEmerson says....
Make your decisions, because things will start to speed up once they are made, things will fall into place. And as cheesy and cliche as it might sound, trust the fucking world, it is not out to get you. Leap on what you are hesitating on, because the only security in this world lies within yourself not the things that create your outside world.
Love!!!!!!
