No matter what I do it does not go away.
It is persistent about being there, about blending not so smoothly into the sweet sandalwood and jojoba oil puddles that christen my mat before each practice. Oils that have been placed there with the idea of grounding, calming, and invigorating intentions, how quickly they betray me.
It starts by pushing into my shoulders as I lie flat on my back before my practice. Then it moves ever so gracefully to my knees in childs pose and my hands in down dog to my elbows in dolphin. Somehow, someway it manages into my mouth and my eyes breaking all bounds of comfort.
It could be worse though, I could not live near the beach and I could not be practicing yoga. Two things I love very much.
But honestly I am a control freak about some things, (okay most things), and that is what brings me to my mat again and again.
To be humbled.
To be reminded.
To be brought to my knees before my expectations.
To be reminded.
To be brought to my knees before my expectations.
Over the years I have learned that I cannot control anything besides my own actions and reactions, which in retrospect is actually the best thing to be able to control. I have developed a patience and a control over my desire to control. If that makes sense. I use yoga to climb, (yes that is how I picture the effort some days... climbing), into my body and remember that I can control my breath, my movements, my emotions, my eating habits, how much I give and how well I receive. It is the book I open when I am searching for information on myself.
Some years ago my practice transitioned from asana obsessive to a more reflective state. I began to see how my words, thoughts, feelings, and actions were effecting my practice., and how those very same thoughts travelled off the mat with me into my daily life. And believe me, these thoughts were shit. I was so hard on myself and rarely gave credit to accomplishment. I noticed that if I took the time to become aware of these triggers and habits I could change them. I could climb warily off my yoga mat after each practice and walk out into my life surrounded by people who challenged me and supported me, and I could start to see challenge and support as equals.
I learned that I didn't have to justify, claim, or defend my life. I just had to get to know myself well enough to be comfortable making decisions.
It taught me the below conversation with myself:
There's sand in my yoga mat
It is hurting my hands
Thats why I cannot do a arm balance today
Oh plus I have that shoulder injury that would never let me do an arm balance
I should just skip this practice, I can't really do the apex pose any way
Ugh, why does everybody think these poses are so awesome
Why is the teacher leading this pose, she hasn't even asked about injuries, thats dumb
Why is the teacher leading this pose, she hasn't even asked about injuries, thats dumb
Oh wait, I really just don't want to the damn arm balance......
Ok, if I am being honest it bothers me to do the forearm balance because I do not feel stable or strong enough and that is something that I really want in all areas of my life.
Stability and strength.
Stability and strength.
Try the stupid arm balance
BOOM!!!!!!!!!
That sand, it respresents the part of me that drives myself crazy. The oart of me that likes to be weak and out of control. The part of me that is forever 4 years old and likes the attention of a sob story, born and bred from years of mindless belief that we have to have a long exagerated story to make outr actions worthy.
It reminds me that I have to get over myself, to see the nitty gritty part of myself that likes to make excuses, and move into it, through it, and past it.
Though I have not learned to love the sand in my yoga mat all the time, it is there to remind me that there is more work to do, more personal accountability to be had and less responsibility to spread onto others.
And that is something to love.
And that is something to love.
We are the only ones that can change ourselves. The only ones that make the decisions that create our own happiness or sadness. Yoga just offers a gateway to have these conversations and move in ridiculous ways, continually proving your own awesomeness.
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