Gentleness and Honor

If you had told me 7 years ago that my coping mechanisms for stress were going to be lorazepam, cigarettes, coffee, and no food or sleep I would not have believed you.  

But you see, I was naive to what a yogic lifestyle would really look like for myself.  As I begin to embark on teaching I was drowning in the romantic love of smoothies, vegetarianism and raw food, no stimulants, regular yoga practice, daily meditation, and a mastery of breath.  I was on a honeymoon with what I thought my relationship to yoga would be.  

Then things got real.  

Through an unsteady and irregular practice over the past 14 years I have un-layered through some shit, like so many of us have.  I have seen myself in a variety of ways that extend from hulk-like strength and resilience to a broken and shattered mess on the floor.  

And this, has become my yoga.  Listening to self awareness.  

Though it is difficult to extend beyond the social idea of what a yoga teacher should be sometimes I know that life is not an ever flowing stream that we ease-fully flow down.  Instead I find myself fighting to get upstream more times then not.  

A few months ago I read somewhere, I think it was by Deepak Chopra, that to try and meditate when we are in chaos is useless. 

Now those words are not exactly what he said but it was something similar to that effect.  If we are spinning, fighting, and panicking trying to force ourselves to sit still will only exacerbate the feeling of panic.  We must first calm ourselves. We must first find some relief.  

This is where my lorazepam, coffee, cigarettes, and no sleep come in.  I know now that this is how I handle stress (at least at this time), and that this works for me.  Because through these things I calm my panic by exhausting my system into a forced surrender.  My heart beats fast.  I can't eat.  My head spins and I do not sleep.  I feel on the verge of tears.  My body shivers.  I am stressed.  I know it, but because I am already in such a spin, it is too late to use the modalities of asana, pranayama, and meditation to soothe me.  And sometimes the thing that is stressing me out the most is so big that those things would barely touch it anyways.  

Tools are the ideal situation.  But we are not always or even generally in the ideal situation.  And the trade off of finding an immediate grasp so that we can utilize the tools we know, in my mind, is far more healthier than trying to force ourselves to sit down and do something that every cell in our body is arguing against.  

It is easy for us to judge the use of pharmaceuticals, "unhealthy" foods, alcohol, and cigarettes.  But the truth is, sometimes we need the external help to find the peace that resides within ourselves.  It is only when we become fully reliant and are no longer implementing our internal strengthening tools that the use of externals becomes dangerous.  

Gentleness is key, it is, in fact the most important thing, and it comes through loving yourself enough to know what you need.  

So again, this is what yoga has become to me.  Knowing what I need and giving it to myself until I no longer need it.  

Love.... Once again... Because it is what I so deeply believe in

I haven't exactly had the easiest run in my life. But I certainly haven't had the hardest either. I've struggled to find myself amongst the things in this world. I've pissed off a lot of people in my younger years and I hope that has diminished over time. I've made bad decisions and taken some of the roads that were rough and unsteady in search of my own strength. Strength which I have certainly found. And now at 31 I feel like I understand things better. 

I understand what love is. And I write about my trials and celebrations with it often. I find myself bouncing back and forth between the social ideas and internal perspective of it, challenged continually. 

But here is what I believe it to be and what I hope to show the world it is in every interaction with people. It is a force inside me, and a fierce one at that, that creates the growth I have on a daily basis. It is uncanny, cheeky, misunderstood, hilarious, real, and confusing all in the same breath.

I have accepted lovers and friends that perhaps I shouldn't because ultimately I believe it is a deep acceptance of another individual in their current state of being with nudges forward towards growth that we must judge continually. Our declarations of love and relationships are nothing short or selfish and manipulative. Demanding things of others that we rarely play out ourselves. Asking someone to be to us what we are not to ourselves. Often trying to control an outcome to suit our own individual needs with less consideration of what they need to be to themselves. 

True love is the care and consideration of the beloved. 

 

Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

It has been years since I have learned anything new in a yoga class; unless it has been by the hand ofmy teacher River Cummings or her teacher Gary Kraftsow. 

I have revisited this thought in a recently when I took a class and the teacher qued us into camel, and explained only how this pose would open our hearts to love and help us communicate better.  Now this seems to be standard yoga teacher lingo, only talking about the energetics of a pose rather than the anatomy, physiology, and function of a pose.  I get it. It's flowery, it sounds beautiful. And most teachers seem easily pulled away from the physicality of postures, defaulting into false promises of energetic changes that will happen such as "You will love easier" or "you will communicate better".

Sure these qualities eventually happen, but they do not come through the perfection or depth of a posture. They arise from a deep awareness of ones self, a solid connection to how we feel, a drama-free honesty of where we are in our bodies, hearts, and minds. This knowledge then affords us the power to progress in our lives. The postures offer awareness and opportunity to peel away the layers of physical stress, injury, tension, and disassociation to our body. OUR BODY... That which is the vessel of spirit into reality. That which keeps us here, on planet earth. That which makes us human. We slowly progress from physivcal to energetic by the practice of pranayama, which moves us through the layers of the mental and emotional tension we experience, then enabling us to sit in meditation for longer periods of time. 

So perhaps the que of opening your heart or improving your communication is true, but there is a giant gap of explanation from the posture to the end result, failing to discuss how it does that in a human way. The pose itself is not the creation of these openings. Instead it is the catalyst to deeper knowledge of ones self that allows us to access our strength as we move through the physical blockages that keep us disconnected.  

Many teachers are not teaching about this gap, in fact many TEACHERS are not TEACHING much at all about being a human in a human body, (and please know that the asanas are physical and therefore directed towards the human body). Teachers are instead providing a safe place for us to remain comfortable and focused on an end result using poetic words and perfect phrases that tell us we are energetic beings. Which we are of course. There is spirit. But there is human too and we can and should be humans. Because if we deny the reality that we are humans on this earth and instead focus on etherics and what comes after this life, we are not being present, and we will struggle to address human issues. An example of this is that we live on earth but continually look to the ethers for assurance and comfort, therefore denying to some extent that the earths destruction is our own fault and responsibility. 

I'd love to see people get more authentically into their bodies, inspire themselves with strength to be better humans, connect to the truth of how they see themselves and how they're living their lives. And I don't really see that happening when all we discuss is rainbows and butterflies and how yoga, or anything really, will fix us. 

We fix ourselves. We make the choices on how to react, accept, deny, empower, or blame. We are in charge when things happens to us, we can lie victim or we can step up and face it. If we want to love better or communicate clearer we just do it. We decide to change. We educate ourselves. We recognize that nothing outside of us will fix what is within us. 

A teacher should aim to inspire and teach accountability, rather than offer reasons why things are not the way we want them to be, (such as the implied my heart isn't open enough because I cannot get deep enough into camel). I would rather students walk out educated on their bodies and how it functions to bridge the gap between spirit and human. I would like to see humans be civilized and care for themselves and for the world.  I would like to save the world. 

It relieves the pressure when we turn around and face what it is that intimidates us. It frees us when we recognize that we are in charge, we can make the choices, we can change the world. To do this we have to be honest, forthright, and fearless about the true state of things, ourselves and this world. We must demand this honesty from those aorund us and those that we ask to teach us.  Bringing us more into the present moment of humanity will allow us to address the problems that are arising.  We can do this.  We must do this.  And we can use yoga to help with this.   

http://youtu.be/2OmbBvF085k

A little self love

My major weak points in the material world are self care things. Essential oils, fancy teas and coffees, chocolate, soft pants, decadent foods, massages.... These are what top my self care list. Couple all of those things with friends and travel and I'm in paradise.

I've kinda gotten over the price we pay for a lot of these things though. I certainly appreciate the time and space that goes into creation, but for self sustainability, I want to know how to do them myself. 

So I've been playing with teas and oils cause they seem way easier than pants and chocolate. 

I busted out some spearmint (because the vata in me doesn't like peppermint), and some licorice root, (because it makes my digestive system feel like heaven and it is a little bit sweet), and I mixed 1/4c of each into 12 cups of water and boiled it for 15 minutes. Then I strained it and now I drink it. It's delicious!!! I think it's pretty similar to the tea Aveda serves at their locations... But they use peppermint. And it doesn't cost $15 to buy a container of it. 

Sorry to all you people that don't live in the US that I'm speaking gibberish too about measurements, it'll be easy enough to google the conversion. 

The second thing I did was some essential oil dental care, maybe not to be used in place of toothpaste ALL the time, but it does provide a freshness that's pretty rad! I have been trying toothpaste at night and the oil in the morning. Magic. In. My. Mouth. 

Take 2tsp of almond oil as a base

Add in:

12 drops of myrrh

15 drops of peppermint

2 drops tea tree

2 drops of clove

2 drops of cinnamon

6 drops of lemon

Now I also typically incorporate some shower love into my days as well. Not living in a super humid environment has taken its toll on my skin and I use it more often than I did when I was in Thailand. But I made a very simple body scrub. 

Epsom salt

Sweet almond oil

Essential oils of your choice

Put it in a jar that is easy enough to scoop out of with your fingers. Add about 20 drops of essential oils first, then follow it by filling the jar 3/4 of the way with salt, top it off with sweet almond oil (or any other choice), and shake it up. Adjust the proportions as you need to. 

Keep this in your shower and after you've scrubbed yourself clean scrub down with the oil, rinse the salt and dab yourself dry. 

It'll keep some good moisture in your skin. Way better than lotion!

If you want some ideas on blends according to your skin or mood let me know. I'd love to help! 

Intimacy

Intimacy.

It tends to be reserved for a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, and immediate family.  But in truth it is attainable with everyone you meet.
I find myself lucky in my work, and I am sure I have talked about this before, but I get the most intimate parts of people.  Their worries, their laughter, their tears, their joys, their vulnerability, their strength.  It comes through as they move, and as I assist their bodies.  When I place my hands on their body as they hold a stretch and I gently put pressure on their muscles to offer the support that is sometimes needed for a release I find intimacy on the way their body gives way to mine, to way my fingers and my hand molds to them.

Every morning when I wake up I consider intimacy and what that will look like in my day and who I cross paths with.  I hope to get to know people deeply, and carefully insert myself into their lives as a source of support, laughter, and joy.  Because it takes a village... not just to raise a child, but to raise ourselves to be better humans.

Most of us are anxious for love, we dream about our marriages at a young age, reserving ourselves for that special someone... yet there are millions of special someones out there and these connections can be made briefly and on the short term.  They come through listening, they come through touch, and gaps in our hearts are bridged when we take these chances to open up.

I was pondering intimacy yesterday as I bent, played, pushed, and pulled on another woman's body in a partner yoga class.  A woman that I have known for years, but could not tell you her favorite food or color, or about marriages or friendships.  But I could tell you about how her body reacts in moments of challenge and strength, how it surrenders in moments of release, and how her breath moves through her.  I could tell you I would miss her presence greatly even though we cross paths only every once and a while. I would tell you that I know her.

The class was filled with couples loving the moments they got to touch and be in the glory of the person they love so deeply, learning one anothers movements and communicating needs for proper use of the others weight.  I love the body for this reason, it is so tangible and so specific of how someone is doing.  You can tell the stress, apprehension, joy and love that person is feeling at the moment by the way the muscles release and give way to resistance and pressure, or stay stiff and tight as they resist letting you in.  You learn to adapt accordingly, whether consciously or sub consciously.  You learn how to be there for someone with out words.  And the more that both parties relax and give way to the other the more profound the efficiency and the function is.

This is my belief, to surrender, yet be certain that our strength, accompanied with the strength of others will win out and support us fully. 

Since losing my mom I have decided I just do not give a fuck about what I lose, meaning that I am more likey to jump heart first into situations, because nothing will amount to the loss of her, and any loss that has happened since has only made more sense and fueled my desire to be better and connect deeper to people.  When I die, I doubt I will care much about the world and its possessions, but I can be certain I will remember those who shared a touch, a heart, a moment or many moments of true intimacy.  And as long as my days consist of that I will be full of joy.  

Depth vs Function

In yoga class yesterday I was watching people grimace and clench and hold their breath as they strived to go deeper into a pose that maybe didn't need so much depth.  Their posture was being sacrificed.

I know I have talked about this many times so I will keep this short.

What is the purpose of your depth in postures?  What are you compromising to go deeper?  Some days we want the emotional release, some days we want to show off, some days we want to achieve and all of those are very human things that we all face, but the purpose of yoga is to let go of those things and allow it to be what it is, where it is, why it is.

If you lose track of your breath in the posture you have gone to far.  The breath should be an honoring to your body, it should be steady, reliable, soothing, and supportive.

You deserve a practice that restores your body, and I do not mean that you have to do slow yin or restorative yoga to achieve that, just that you need to listen to your body and its limits so that it can achieve optimum results.  And that happens not when we are trying but when we are letting go.  The breath is your whisper of boundaries.  Listen to it and enjoy your practice.  You do not need to be better than you already are. 

Jet plane ramblings

There are moments I just want to stomp my feet, twirl, and blast noisy music that makes me move fast.  Because I often feel overwhelmed by how fast the world moves and how much I love it. Don't get me wrong please, I'm not the hippy type of yoga instructor that believes in "the path to happiness" I just believe in being happy, making the choice. 

But likely if you are reading this you already know my philosophy on life. 

I've been traveling for the past 36 hours, and I'm just a few short hours from reuniting with family and Colorado peeps. I'm sitting on an airplane with 200+ other people and am amazed by our ability to travel in such masses at such speeds. 

Amazed and thankful. 

But it is 36 hours into sitting and I'm listening to music that makes me just want to jump up and fuckin dance. It makes me imagine spinning in the sun laughing with my girlfriends at our ability to be ridiculous and somewhere in there is glitter and tutus... Cause why not?

I'm walking into unknown territory and that always ignites some passion and compassion in me, everything becomes more intense, from excitement to sadness. Emotions are real. Very real. And I'm feeling them. Not just for myself but for so many others that I know and love. Even ones I don't know I suppose.

This is a pivot point for me and I don't know where it'll go, and I'm high on that. It could go anywhere, and I know it's dependent on my actions... It's always dependent on our actions and our attitude. 

Pivot point.... I shouldn't glamorize it, we are always at pivotal points. Mine are no different than yours. But in my head at this moment I feel like mine is big, that's my shit. It's been a year since I lost my mom and it hurts no less but I am able celebrate her more, which is good. This year marker... Well, it's been a hard fucking year. As hard as it's been I have accomplished so many goals and I anticipate what the second year with out her will bring. I feel like she's just kickin' it out there in the universe putting everything in place for me, like how you would organize anything in life, except I'm not the one doing it, she is, which has made my life a lot easier. 

I had a recent moment in regards to her passing. I was doing some stretching late one night when I was struggling to sleep and I had a new perspective on her, one I am slightly ashamed to admit because as her daughter it's something I knew but maybe never gave full credit too. 

She was brave. And I felt really proud of her all of the sudden. 

You know, or perhaps you don't, she had inflammatory breast cancer, which is by far the wickedest thing I've ever witnessed. And through all the symptoms of this form of cancer she didn't take pain meds until the last 2 weeks of her life. She just took it, she just clenched her jaw and got through it, proving her strength and stance in the world. She didn't so much buy into western medicine and really wanted to avoid it. So she did, and may have made it worse or it may have prolonged her life but none of that matters now. Like all of us, my mom was brave and I'm so proud to be her daughter, because I know she taught me to be brave and stand true. She was an incredible woman and her being a martyr to her beliefs only makes me more proud. 

So that's it really, I don't have an intention with writing this, it's just a bunch of rambling. However... I want to say to anyone who reads this: be happy, be brave, and most importantly be true to who YOU are rather than who the world thinks you should be. That's what'll lead you to happiness, when you stop the conflict of what the world tells you to be and start being who you are; and that takes bravery because there isn't always acceptance in that. 

Love!!!